Molly Ivins March 10AUSTIN — All right, sports fans. Be sure to set aside some time Tuesday to toddle on down to the polls, keeping in mind our official Election Day slogan: If You Don't Vote, You Can't Bitch. There are any number of interesting races on the ballot this season — never mind the future of the nation and the fate of My Boy Buchanan. Look at it this way: If there's no one you want to vote for, there's bound to be someone you're just dying to vote against. So slip on down to your friendly polling place and use this civically responsible, socially useful opportunity to vent your anger in a manner that will win the applause of all your friends and neighbors. You should also keep in mind that sickening feeling we get every November as we look at the only two choices available to us and moan, "Who chose these two?" The people who didn't vote in the primary, that's who. Today, we will consider a tempting array of reasons for you to vote on Tuesday. — Steve Forbes: Forbes' Texas campaign manager is Diana Denman, who starred with Ronald Reagan in the 1951 movie "Bedtime for Bonzo." Along with a chimp. — Pat Buchanan: the perfect candidate for everyone who is sick of the rest of them. Gives the entire Establishment the hot fantods. More fun than a Saturday night on the Jacksboro Highway. — Bob Dole: assures re-election of Bill Clinton. On the Democratic side, the pick of the litter to run against Sen. Phil Gramm is Rep. John Bryant of Dallas. The former bull-rider is Texas tough, plain smart and a long-proven friend of working people. Bryant is one of those people who has smart ideas and keeps working at them until they get done. He's the one who passed the law that makes it illegal for lobbyists to pay for trips and presents for politicians. Too bad for them, but good for us. The other main contender in that race, Rep. Jim Chapman of Sulphur Springs, is running on ideas he flat stole from Bryant. No joke. For several years, Bryant has been pushing legislation to make the Germans and the Japanese pay for the money we spend on their military defense.
Congressional seats are open all over the state this year, not to mention those seats that urgently need to be reclaimed from the knot-headed Republican freshmen who won last time. Steve Stockman, for example. Not only is this guy a crank with ties to the militias — he's so dumb that if you put his brain into a bumblebee, it would fly backward. So take a close look at your Democratic congressional candidates and pick some class this time, OK? There are some doozies in the down-ballot races all around Texas, as per usual, so let me give you some voting advice here. A ballot is not a test. No one takes off points if you don't finish it. So if you don't know any of the names in a race, skip it and go on to the next one. Do not vote for people with cute names. Do not vote for people with names that sound like the names of politicians you have voted for in the past. You know how much trouble we've gotten ourselves into by doing this. Twenty years of Jesse James as state treasurer — need I say more? I, for one, would appreciate it if you would take the time to find out if there's a decent candidate for the Lege in your district; I have to cover them, after all. And think how embarrassing it will be if we elect more hopeless dips than usual and wind up with something like the Tennessee Legislature, which — with a fine sense of deja vu — is about to outlaw the teaching of evolution as fact. I assure you, many of the members of the Texas Lege y'all have sent to Austin recently are enough to convince anyone that people are descended from monkeys, and damn recently, too. Our friends on the Christian right will be busier than a cranberry merchant at Thanksgivin' on Tuesday. Naturally, we all approve of citizen involvement in the old electoral process, but I happen to know the ultimate, final goal of those good folks. Fellow Texans, if they take over, they will Outlaw Beer. It's a fact. I read it in their literature. So hustle on down to the hustings and stop this un-American, un-Texan, anti-God conspiracy by casting your vote for some good ol' boy or ol' girl with common sense and a little zip. Politics is bad enough now; there's no way we can take it without beer. *** Molly Ivins is a columnist for the Fort Worth Star-Telegram. COPYRIGHT 1996 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.
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