Molly Ivins July 4

AUSTIN, Texas — It's our birthday! And we'll laugh if we want to. Why not? How grand and glorious to be a citizen of a nation where Newt Gingrich can rise to a position of national leadership (giving hope to certified nincompoops everywhere), where we can pay more attention to the Spice Girls than to global warming, and where our government says we're all fat.

What a great country! The media are obsessed with the president's sex life (and ever so slightly delinquent on issues of social and economic justice); 39.2 percent of us believe that space aliens have landed at Roswell, N.M. (I believe that space aliens have more sense and landed at Jackson Hole, Wyo.); and no heavyweight boxer has chewed another's ear off so far this year.

The majority leader of the U.S. Senate thinks gay people are like kleptomaniacs. All our computers are going to crash come the year 2000, and no one knows what to do about it. Sam Donaldson's hair is getting blacker, and the last episode of "Seinfeld" is finally over. And "Chainsaw" Al Dunlap got fired. How much fun can one nation be?

Wall Streeters are paying $10,000 a bottle for fine wines. Your pooch can now go to luxury kennels where a doggie shrink will give Fido counseling on his self-esteem. (He can also get acupuncture.) Many people pay personal trainers to get them to do right, and the rest of us have mothers. Nike is going to stop hiring child workers abroad. The taxpayers of New York City are going to help build George Steinbrenner a new stadium because he's such a sweet guy. Marv Albert is not yet back on television. And "Chainsaw" Al Dunlap got fired. Don't tell me this isn't a great country!

The Southern Baptists claim that wives should "graciously submit" to their husbands.

The U.S. Olympic hockey team has not gone into interior decoration. Linda Tripp was not named Humanitarian of the Year by any major charity. Nor was Latrell Sprewell. Matt Drudge was invited to speak at the National Press Club and now has a half-hour talk show on the Fox News Channel. (Prevaricating journalists Stephen Glass and Patricia Smith soon to follow.) Bob Hope is not dead. And "Chainsaw" Al Dunlap got fired. We live in a great nation.

Meanwhile, far from the madding crowds, people still bring casseroles over when your relatives die, stop to help when you get a flat tire, and persist in telling one another to have a nice day and in blessing one another's hearts. Americans walk, run, swim and dress up in silly costumes for charity. They help each other out during floods, tornadoes and ice storms. Moms and dads still man the chili-dog booth at school fairs, and principals still get soaked at the dunk tank. Kids still pull stunts at their high school graduations, and we still say, "Oooooooooo" when fireworks go off.

Garrison Keillor has more fans than Marilyn Manson. Golfers still wear green pants, pink shirts and yellow sweaters. Lots of people sign up as transplant donors. Volunteers are bringing wolves and grizzly bears back to Yellowstone. (Do NOT feed the grizzly bears.) Slam poetry is the new fad among the twentysomethings, and it's really neat stuff. (Only fiftysomethings still say "neat.")

So here's to America and Americans, both the raspberry-vinaigrette and the bottled-mayonnaise crowds. May your Fourth of July not include sunburn, heartburn or mosquitoes. May your Sousa sound out joyously; may your sparklers be lovely against the evening light; may your friends and neighbors not sprain their ankles in the softball game; may your union get you double-time-and-a-half if you have to work; and let there be brotherhood from sea to shining sea.

Molly Ivins is a columnist for the Fort Worth Star-Telegram. To find out more about Molly Ivins and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate web page at www.creators.com.

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