Molly Ivins July 14

DALLAS — Oh Dallas, Dallas, dear me, Dallas. The sound of no one laughing. Yet, as usual, comedy abounds on all sides. As a former Dallasite, I have long believed that this is one of the most wondrously funny places in the world — it's just that no one here ever notices.

The latest civic imbroglio involves something far more serious than government. It's The Team — America's Team, that is, the sort of thing that people in Dallas say with a straight face.

As all hands know by now, The Team's gifted receiver Michael Irvin is on trial, accused of possession of cocaine and other unseemly conduct. (Just as a matter of legal strategy, it was probably a mistake for Irvin to show up for the grand jury in shades and a long fur coat.) The Cowboys were taking turns showing up in court in support of their teammate, but when quarterback Troy Aikman appeared Wednesday, he caused such a stir that the trial almost came to a halt.

Irvin's legal problems and Dallas' civic image are further complicated by the fact that a Dallas police officer (in Dallas, police officers are taken very seriously) is accused of trying to set up a hit on Irvin because the cop felt that the honor of his lady friend, an acquaintance of Irvin's, had been impugned.

Further, the alleged hit on Irvin was discovered in the course of an investigation into corruption in the Dallas Police Department, locally considered America's Finest. I don't know that the DPD is America's Finest, but it is the only force I know of ever to have shot a jaywalker, thus dispatching him to the Orderly Traffic Pattern in the Sky.

In a further civic flap, Jerry Jones, who owns the Boys, is trying to get the suburb of Irving, where America's Team plays, to drop out of Dallas Area Repaid Transit. It is believed that Jones wants Irving to spend the tax money now going to DART (for a light rail system) on closing the hole in the roof of Texas Stadium instead. The hole is there so God can look down and watch his team playing, which is another thing that people in Dallas say with a straight face. But God has never paid Jerry Jones for his sky box, so he's outta there.

In other winsome developments in the City That Works, or at least the City That Spends a Lot of Time on Its Image, members of the school board and the City Council are under a festive array of indictments.

Dan Peavy is the Dallas school board member who had to resign in October when a tape recording of his phone conversations, full of what The New York Times genteelly described as "racial slurs and obscenities," mysteriously surfaced. According to the Times, Peavy said that some people who came to board meetings were "ignorant —— ——" and the schools were full of "ignorant —— little

——," thus making it all perfectly clear. An assistant school superintendent was also suspended after Peavy identified him as the other voice on the tapes making colorful comments, as it were.

This spring, Peavy was indicted on 42 counts, including conspiracy, bribery and extortion, relating to an insurance contract for the school district.

Also under indictment is Paul Fielding of the City Council — eight counts of fraud and using his office for personal gain. Fielding has pleaded "not guilty" and is still attending council meetings. Just on a personal note, I feel that it couldn't have happened to a better guy.

Now, these events would be greeted in normal cities with a realistic grasp of the elementary principle that Stuff Happens. But in Dallas, City of Terminal Earnestness, there is naturally a profound sense of civic embarrassment. Except that no one Dallas ever says anything like "Boy, do we look dumb." Instead, there's a sort of tacit effort to ignore the long piece of dirty toilet paper on the civic shoe.

Otherwise, normalcy reigns. Central Expressway is still a mess. The Dallas Morning News is still boring. Dallas County Commissioner John Wiley Price is still annoying everyone. His latest salute was to describe a member of the Parkland Memorial Hospital board as "a coconut" who should "go back to old Mexico," but that's normal for Price.

Even Mayor Ron Kirk, who is one of the most talented members of the new generation of Texas political leadership and is also black, does not seem to have made much difference in the city's racial polarization. It may be time to renew my old proposal to institute a Municipal Sense of the Absurd in Dallas. First, we hold a bunch of prayer breakfasts. Then, we form a Blue Ribbon Commission and send them to Toronto to study the Sense of Absurdity there. ...

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Molly Ivins is a columnist for the Fort Worth Star-Telegram.

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