Molly Ivins February 4

ICEBOUND IN TEXAS — I am reminded of an old Guindon cartoon. The host is by the slide-show screen saying to a group of dejected guests: "My first words to Eunice when I heard the storm was on its way were 'Quick! The camera!' The cinematographic muse had sounded her call, and we dared not fail her. The whole story of how the blizzard affected 793 South Lilac Drive could not and, may I add, did not go unrecorded."

The first president of the University of Minnesota once claimed: "Shut up indoors during the long though not dreary winters, in workshops and around firesides, our people must by and by become thoughtful, serious, studious, inventive." Yeah, but they're Minnesotans. Have you any idea what happens when you try to keep TEXANS penned up?

Oh well, on the theory that there's a little Minnesotan in all of us, let's snuggle up for a few moments with the telecommunications bill that our only Congress just saw fit to pass by overwhelming margins. Since all you can do during a winter storm is (a) phone your friends, (b) watch television and (c) play with the computer if you have one, you should have telecommunications on the brain right now.

Item No. 1 — The most dread words in the English language are: "It has the support of everyone in the industry." Translation: We've just been screwed again.

Item No. 2 — When you hear a right-wing Republican like Rep. Thomas Bliley Jr. of Virginia, the tool of the tobacco industry, claim, "Today, we have broken up two of the biggest government monopolies left, local telephone service and cable television," you should run screaming from the hall in terror. You know this is not a man given to breaking up monopolies.

Item No. 3 — The story so far: In anticipation of the great free-for-all of market competition Bliley and others promise this bill will bring, the following has already happened: Disney bought Cap Cities/ABC; Westinghouse bought CBS; AT&T split itself into three parts and is laying off 40,000 workers (Bliley says the bill will "create thousands of new jobs"); merger talks are already underway between two of the giant Bell companies, Nynex and Bell Atlantic; the major players, including cable and software companies, have already formed numerous partnerships, with cross-ownership deals so complex that it looks like a spider's web when you make a chart of it.

Item No.

4 — Senate Majority Leader Bob Dole is a craven tower of Jell-O; if you want to see a spineless politician, watch Dole on this bill. Less than two weeks ago, he said it was a "big, big corporate welfare project" to give away $70 billion worth of digital broadcasting spectrum. Hell, it's the biggest rip-off in the history of the Earth.

The ultimate worth of the digital broadcasting spectrum will probably be counted in the billions of dollars. That's the public airwaves, folks; that's our property. We could have made a hole in the national debt with that money; we could have set aside zillions for educational programming for children; we could have wired every school in the country for computer access. But what we're likely to get out of this is zip. Although the digital broadcast spectrum section of the bill is "in abeyance" for now, if you look at the vote in Congress (414-16 in the House and 91-5 in the Senate), you can see how much appetite our politicians have for taking on the broadcasters.

Six months ago, Dole was attacking Time-Warner for putting out tacky rap music. Time-Warner just snuck out of this bill with a pile of blue chips so big you can't even measure it.

Item No. 5 — The telecommunications industry just got itself the finest bill that money can buy. Telecom has given $40 million to Congress during the last 10 years — $1.2 million in political action committee money during the last six months of '95 alone. Politicians in key positions to affect the bill got the most.

Item No. 6 — This is the most important piece of legislation since health-care reform was on the table; it will affect our lives in more ways and longer and cost us more money than anything short of health-care reform. So how come your faithful news media have told you squat about it?

Look at who owns us, bubba; look at who owns us. I'm a professional anti-conspiracy theorist, and I think there's too much paranoia in this country already, but I'm telling you, it's right there in front of all of us. The reason you know jack about this bill is because the people who own the media are the ones who are going to make all the money from it. They bought the politicians for $40 million. This bill is not going to "increase competition," for God's sake. It's going to lead to a merger frenzy that will make last summer look like kindergarten.

When I first started doing one-minute editorials for a local television station, I wondered how I could possibly say anything useful about anything in 60 seconds. Then I realized that it doesn't take that long to say, "Hang the bastards." Let's.

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Molly Ivins is a columnist for the Fort Worth Star-Telegram.

COPYRIGHT 1996 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.