Molly Ivins February 29

AUSTIN — More fun! The big news from Tuesday's round in the Republican decathlon is that no one's leaving the race! Bob Dole picks up the Dakotas, Steve Forbes sweeps Arizona — the only dropout so far is Our Man Phil Gramm, who had the sense to quit when he was behind. Naturally, I listened with great attention to the Professional Explainers, who explained why Dole's winning North and South Dakota was such a disastrous blow to his candidacy. If we didn't have scholars, how would we know these things?

Personally, I always liked the Dakotas; in my youth (this was before women's liberation), I used to be the "Dakota Swing Man" for a Minneapolis newspaper and found both states to be full of preternaturally sensible people.

The Dakotas are also one of the glory grounds of genuine American populism — places where the combination of populist and progressive movements made such deep inroads that many of the main economic forces are still cooperative.

North Dakota even has a state bank, and none dare call it socialism — mostly because North Dakotans, aside from being populists, are so socially conservative it'll bind your bowels.

Unfortunately for MBB (My Boy Buchanan), the next round is to be fought in South Carolina and New England. New England, unhappily, is full of heavily civilized citizens of the sort who wince when Buchanan crows that rape victims should be forced to bear the offspring of their attackers.

But then comes Super Tuesday, including the Great State, and I herewith offer, absolutely gratis, some tips for campaigning in Texas.

Numero Uno: We have open primaries here, so if you want to draw Blue Dog Democrats across the line, have at it. But do not bother Yellow Dog Democrats; they bite.

Numero Two-o: Our R's have a 50-percent winner-take-all rule, so if you think you have a plurality, plunge the ranch on making it a majority.

Numero Three-o: If your name is Lamar, change it. Our greatest all-time hero was Sam Houston, a populist before the word was invented. For all of Houston's Texas political life, his greatest enemy was Mirabeau B. Lamar (pronounced "Miraboo" by one of our former governors). M.B. Lamar was such a sorry specimen of corporate toadyism that he would be disowned by everyone, except, of course, for his false claim to be "the Father of Texas education."

Numero Four-o: In Texas, we like Meskins. We can't pronounce it right, but we like 'em. You see, in Texas, Chicanos — or as we say, Tejanos — have been around longer than Anglos.

Not to stereotype or anything, but we know them to be brave, patriotic, hard-working and family-oriented. Some, like Seguin, helped us win our independence from Mexico. We have been neighbors for 175 years and have always been the beneficiaries of a porous border.

It's real simple here: When times are good and we need cheap labor, we welcome Meskins, and we never have been concerned about whether they were legal or illegal. When times are bad, we clamp down at the border, and the only way to do that is to let the Border Patrol do the heavy lifting. (President Clinton is already doing so.) The last jackass who proposed building a 17-foot cyclone fence, with bob war on the top, to keep out Meskins was Jimmy Carter.

I happened to be a judge that year at the Terlingua Chili Cook-Off, where we held the first-ever Over-Under-or-Through-Meskin-Fence-Climbin'-Contest. With Bob War on the top. First prize was a case of Lone Star beer. Winning time was nine seconds. And that's gospel.

I've listened to these California berserkers who claim that Meskins go on welfare. Well, (a) what we got for welfare in Texas is around $188 a month for Aid to Families With Dependent Children (a family of three), and (b) we sure as hell don't let Meskins have it. I've listened to these benighted dip-brains claiming that Meskins ruined their economy; damned if I can't figure out where Californians get their Meskins. We never let ours run the savings and loans. We never let ours shut down defense plants. We never find any of ours buying other companies and laying off tens of thousands of people. Y'all got the wrong kind of Meskins. Ever tried Chihuahua?

Frankly, we exploit our Meskins from here to yonder in Texas and kick 'em out whenever we feel like it. Don't tell us it's a bad deal.

In the category of "Amaze Me!," I have two new entries. Fred Barnes, discussing the current vogue for populism on "Crossfire" (a singularly ill-informed discussion), actually attacked Clinton for having reappointed Alan Greenspan, the notoriously right-wing chairman of the Federal Reserve Board. How dare Clinton, demanded Mr. Barnes (from whom we have never before heard either pip or squeak in this line), reappoint such a slow-growth economist? Uhhhh, just a guess, but probably because Republicans control the Senate and have already shot down Clinton's first choice, the incredibly smart Felix Rohatyn, and announced that they would not confirm anyone to Greenspan's left.

During a frolicsome moment in the hearings on "reform" of the Food and Drug Administration, Sen. Daniel Coats, R-Ind., attempted to analyze his dissatisfaction with the agency. "I sometimes think the FDA has a Ralph Nader mind-set," he said.

No, no, anything but that — not a consumer agency infected with a Ralph Nader mind-set! Aaaaarrrrggghh!

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Molly Ivins is a columnist for the Fort Worth Star-Telegram. You can write to Molly Ivins at Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., #700, Los Angeles, Calif. 90045.

COPYRIGHT 1996 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.