Molly Ivins December 29AUSTIN, Texas — I seem to be the only person in America who thinks it's just peachy keen that President Clinton sort of auctions off a night in the Lincoln Bedroom at the White House in exchange for campaign donations. Apparently, if you give about $100,000 to Clinton's campaign, you're pretty much guaranteed a night where Old Abe Hisself rested his bones. I grant you it's a little tacky, but as a citizen, I like knowing what the payoff is. I'd much prefer to see rich donors settling down for a long snooze in Lincoln's bedroom than to support a sugar subsidy worth millions to individual growers. Or an ethanol subsidy worth billions. Or another tax loophole for the defense industry that in turn costs the Treasury billions of dollars and increases taxes on thee and me. By comparison, a night in the Lincoln Bedroom is quite a bargain for taxpayers. It still costs a lot less than road subsidies to the timber companies or giving away mining rights for a pittance or underwriting corporate cattle ranchers. Compared to most payoffs for campaign contributions, this one is a real bargain for taxpayers. From The Nation magazine come the Top 10 Reasons to Believe the CIA When It Says It Never Sold Crack Cocaine to Support the Contras: No. 10: Promised Manuel Noriega the cocaine. (Contras were supposed to get gambling and prostitution.) No. 9: Came to the support of the Crips after reports that the KGB was backing the Bloods. No. 8: Believed pilots when they said they were flying sugar into Mena, Ark., for Gov. Clinton's sweet tooth. No. 7: Did everything it could — from producing assassination manuals to mining harbors to destroy Colombian drug lords. (Oops! That was the Sandinistas.) No. 6: Hasn't run a major drug-smuggling operation since Vietnam. No. 5: If it really wanted to see blacks killing each other, it would have put more money into that Angolan operation. No. 4: Never trained or worked with LAPD death squads. No. 3: Director was at times drunk and incoherent; may have mumbled, "Get cracking on this Contra thing." No.
No. 1: The New York Times says it isn't so. As you can tell, this sardonic list is a take-off on Establishment journalism's response to the San Jose Mercury News' ground-breaking stories on the crack-Contra connection. Like good little boys and girls, the Times, The Washington Post, et al., toddled off to the CIA and asked the agency if it had ever done such a thing. When the CIA said "no," the papers solemnly printed it — just as though the CIA hadn't previously denied any number of illegal operations in which it was later caught red-handed. Sometimes I worry about the wattage in some of the brethren in journalism. As 1996 wheezes to a close here, I think we can safely look back and be grateful for quite an impressive roster of blessings. We did not, after all, elect Steve Forbes president. Dick Morris is no longer a White House adviser. Texas beat Nebraska. And Walt Disney will not be constructing a Civil War theme park on the site of the Battle of Manassas. Rep. Bob Dornan got beat by a Chicana. House Speaker Newt Gingrich has new troubles with the ethics committee. None of Clinton's new Cabinet members has a nanny problem. BobDole has regained his sense of humor and doesn't have to repeat everything three times anymore. Sen. Trent Lott is a good bass on "Elvira." The Serbs are rebelling against Slobodan Milosevic. I wouldn't go so far as to claim that God's in his heaven and all's right with the world. It's more like "Whew! Skinned through another one." I suspect that we'll be trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored for some time to come on "welfare reform," but that's another story and another year. I realize that cynicism about our political system is rampant, and it should be — just shows to go you how smart the people really are. It's my belief that all the disgust and depression about the state of politics will lead to major reforms, sooner rather than later. So, I'm signing off for the year in my usual state of blissful optimism. And I'll see y'all in 1997, ever ready to pounce on the bad guys and glory in the general tomfoolery of the greatest democracy on Earth. *** Molly Ivins is a columnist for the Fort Worth Star-Telegram. COPYRIGHT 1996 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.
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