Molly Ivins December 20

AUSTIN, Texas — In the words of the old Chinese curse, we live in interesting times. This affords us an opportunity to see who might be keeping his head while all about him are losing theirs, so let us take special note of those who have lost it completely.

— If the military is prepared to fight two major wars at once, why can't the media cover two major stories simultaneously without becoming hysterical? There's an old editorial page tradition of awarding darts and laurels, but it seems to me that Fox television news deserves something worse than a dart for combining the name of the latest military offensive against Iraq, Desert Fox, with its own logo, with the word "Fox" either identical or remarkably close to the network's normal font, thus turning war into a corporate promotion.

— Special recognition to Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott of Mississippi in the "It Depends on What the Meaning of 'Is' Is Department." Lott greeted news of fresh bombing in Iraq — an action he was demanding a month ago, and he bitterly criticized the president for delaying then — by saying: "While I have been assured by administration officials that there is no connection with the impeachment process in the House of Representatives, I cannot support this military action in the Persian Gulf at this time. Both the timing and the policy are subject to question."

The next day, Lott insisted that he in no way meant to imply that the bombing was an effort to divert attention from impeachment, and he further insisted that his words did not mean that he did not support the bombing. Right.

— Rep. Gerald Solomon of New York, chairman of the House Rules Committee, was even less subtle than Lott. Of the fresh bombing in Iraq, he said: "Never underestimate a desperate president. It is obvious he is doing it for political reasons." And: "It is the lowest thing" he'd ever heard of. From Rush Limbaugh we expect this kind of comment, but it is as though the rabid Clinton haters have infected the entire Republican Party with that strange obsession that prevents them from seeing anything about Clinton clearly.

— Another dart to Fox television news for using Dick Morris, of all people, as a news commentator, as though anything said by this man were worth paying attention to. Morris, a former political consultant to everyone, including the president, is chiefly famous in his field for having made the "white hands" commercial that re-elected Sen. Jesse Helms by appealing to racial misunderstanding.

In addition to his own sexual peccadilloes, Morris and his endless polling are widely believed to have been a cynical influence on Clinton; He was cordially loathed by all of Clinton's longtime advisers and almost the entire White House staff.

— A difference between television and print: Long after the Persian Gulf War, we learned that the "smart bombs" and weapons that we were assured performed with "pinpoint accuracy" did no such thing — in fact, they were mostly high-tech junk. The Patriot missiles apparently scored only one clean hit. According to the General Accounting Office, the "smart weapons" didn't work any better than old "dumb" ones — they just cost more.

But television is once again showing gee-whiz footage of our whiz-bang toys presumably hitting what they are aimed at like winners at a video arcade game — MMMMMMmmmmrmrrr-BANG. But as The New York Times reported, this time, "the high-tech bombings are generating far more questions than awe."

— For those who enjoy the surreal, we have the happy news that the timing of Clinton's decision to bomb was influenced not by the impeachment mess but by the upcoming Muslim holy month of Ramadan. It was felt that it would be tacky to start bombing during the holy month, and the bombing will apparently end before Ramadan starts. We can only hope that the bombed Iraqis appreciate our cultural sensitivity on this.

— It is difficult to imagine how Republicans could make themselves look worse than they already do, but they keep trying.

When poor Bob Livingston, the House speaker-elect, had his private life dragged into public view by a zealous press (apparently Larry Flynt of Hustler magazine, that eternal loose cannon, was the culprit), the first impulse of many Republicans was to imply or actually state that the leak must have come from the White House. They did the same thing when Rep. Henry Hyde's private life was brought up by Salon, the on-line magazine. Even though Salon's source was soon revealed to be a senior citizen in Florida who had contacted dozens of news organizations with the story, the Republicans, and some in the media, went right on implying that it must have been the White House.

FYI: It doesn't require the White House or even Flynt to dig for these stories — most of them have been lying around on the ground for years. Unless politicians are exceptionally discreet, irregularities in their private lives become the subject of gossip in political and media circles. (And, of course, quite often such gossip is untrue.)

No journalist needs anyone in the White House as a source for such tittle-tattle. All you have to do is check out the old gossip and find out if it's true — if you think any remotely good purpose is served by such repellent conduct.

Molly Ivins is a columnist for the Fort Worth Star-Telegram. To find out more about Molly Ivins and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate web page at www.creators.com.

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