Molly Ivins April 7AUSTIN, Texas — Everyone with any sense agreed some time ago that the job training bill, also known as the CAREERs Act, passed last year by the House and the Senate and currently in conference committee, is a particularly fine example of practical, bipartisan legislation. It consolidates more than 80 education and training programs, makes sensible changes in the administration and coordination of state and federal programs, and gives flexibility to displaced workers through a voucher system that allows them to select training appropriate to their local economy. Many people think this a fine example of how government can be changed to become genuinely efficient and helpful in addressing a critical national need. But I happen to know that the bill also mandates that little men made of chocolate will patrol the country, forcing everyone to wear orange on Wednesday. Not only that, but the CAREERs Act also means that Michael Jackson's "Thriller" will be the new national anthem, we will all have to eat babies for breakfast, and Urdu will be made our official language. And Urdu is very difficult to learn. However, the really eerie part is that when the CAREERs Act is read backward, it turns out to be "Persuasion" by Jane Austen! Yes, it's part of this whole Jane Austen revival we've been hearing about, and you didn't think that was happening by accident, did you? What do you mean, you doubt all this? Well, the part about Urdu is certainly true. Haven't you been reading what the right-wingers are saying about this bill? A group in Southern California called Parents Involved in Education says the CAREERs Act is part of an effort "to remold our 'American Dream,' free-enterprise-driven economy into a socialistic, government-controlled and managed national system for human resources development (The American Forced Labor Bill)." Phyllis Schlafly of the Eagle Forum says it is clear that students will be trained to work only in the occupations prescribed by the government, even though the voucher system gives more freedom and flexibility to displaced workers than the current system. The United States Justice Foundation, another right-wing group, says that the Senate version of the bill "fails to mention the word parents in the legislation." Not only does this bill — written to retrain downsized workers and coordinate vocational education programs with school-to-work programs — fail to mention parents, it also fails to mention aunts, uncles and Labrador retrievers! Can you believe it? A right-wing critic from the Family Research Council (these are all terribly reliable people, some of whom have even read parts of the bill) says that the bill will force all children into vocational education "from an early age" and that there will be no academic education at all and so the universities and colleges will shut down and there won't be any more college football.
Because of all these alert critics on the right, who would never make ridiculous, nonsensical allegations about a perfectly straightforward piece of legislation, the CAREERs bill may not pass at all. (I just checked: There is also no mention of the flag, apple pie or baby bunnies in this bill! They also left out tablecloths and porch furniture.) And suppose a few people did make a lot of ridiculous, nonsensical allegations about a perfectly straightforward piece of legislation — no one in the U.S. Congress would pay any attention, would they? (The pluperfect conditional in Urdu is just a stinker.) Rep. Henry Hyde of Illinois, according to The New York Times, recently wrote his colleagues that he is afraid the bill will force individuals to get a government card to get and hold a job. (Actually, the bill does not mention government cards, either.) Hyde told the Times that he was not certain he would fight the bill if it emerges from conference committee, but he said he suspects that the bill is trying to "nationalize our education in a politically correct way." (The bill does not mention political correctness, either, but as we see from the above examples, this means nothing — or, alternatively, it could be very significant indeed.) This splendid of example of happy horse poop derailing sensible legislation would be just another plaything for cynics and satirists, except, unfortunately, there are real people bleeding to death from economic wounds out here. Because this bill is stuck in conference committee while paranoid pinheads make ludicrous allegations about it, the 80 uncoordinated and badly managed jobs programs we have now are covered only by stopgap spending bills. According to Labor Secretary Robert Reich, federal job-training programs helped 640,000 dislocated workers last year but will only cover 486,000 this year. In case you haven't been reading the papers, we're still being "dislocated" at record rates. *** Molly Ivins is a columnist for the Fort Worth Star-Telegram. COPYRIGHT 1996 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.
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