Molly Ivins April 28

AUSTIN — You know how come it takes millions of sperm to fertilize one egg?

Because men will never stop and ask for directions. Ba-da-ba!

Brace yourselves: Millions of bad jokes are about to descend on your head, and all because of a semi-unfunny development. There's something wrong with men. (You may now make up your own bad joke.) Recent studies show a significant decline in male fertility.

According to several studies, sperm counts are falling by an average of 2.1 percent a year. A Danish study of 15,000 men in 21 countries found a 50 percent drop in average sperm counts over a half-century.

The variety of evidence suggesting that there's something going on here includes (my personal favorite) tiny penises in Florida alligators exposed to pesticides. Scientists are still debating causes and cures, but a growing consensus focuses on chemical pollution.

The theory is that dioxin, DDT, PCBs and other chemicals are showing up in trace amounts in the womb and affecting reproductive development. Air and water all over the world are now tainted with tiny amounts of these and other chemicals. Once they get into the body, they can bind with receptors that control hormones. Lab tests on animals prove that even the smallest amounts of industrial chemicals can affect fetal development and "feminize" a male embryo, causing smaller testicles, penises and lower sperm counts.

In an interesting non-lab test at this year's World Affairs Conference in Boulder, Colo., more than a hundred supposed intellectuals proved incapable of discussing this news without a lot of junior-high humor. Further proof that we laugh at what makes us nervous. Dianne Dumanoski, one of the co-authors of "Our Stolen Future," a new book on this subject, became known at the conference as "the shrivel-effect lady."

As Dumanoski and others readily admit, research on the shrivel effect is still in an embryonic phase.

(Oh, dear.) Stress and smoking are just as likely suspects as chemicals, according to some scientists. The chemical companies, of course, are resolutely denying any connection between chemicals and infertility (not to mention increases in cancer rates), just as the tobacco companies still deny that smoking harms your health.

In fact, the comparison is apt in that science is always appropriately tentative about establishing causation. In scientific terms, there is still no conclusive proof that smoking causes cancer; all science will say is that there is a correlation — a very, very high correlation — between smoking and lung cancer. So high that you have to be a dummy or a tobacco company executive to ignore it. Establishing a causal link between falling sperm counts and chemicals will be even more problematic.

But women, I notice, have a rather touching faith that something that affects men so directly will be dealt with promptly and efficiently. Women seem to think the news that trace chemicals are an equally likely suspect in causing breast cancer could be ignored in perpetuity, but the prospect of smaller male organs will get lots of research money. Girls, girls — such unbecoming cynicism.

The implications of the research on dropping sperm counts are fairly riveting no matter what your sex. Even the strongest advocates of population control never counted on anything like this. It's not as though we don't already have enough to worry about — and aren't perfectly capable of making up more. The number of Web sites devoted to lunatic conspiracy theories — from the Bilderbergers to those who believe they have been kidnapped by space aliens — is an impressive testimony to human nuttiness. Perhaps the Republicans in Congress should reconsider shutting off the endangered species list.

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Molly Ivins is a columnist for the Fort Worth Star-Telegram.

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