Molly Ivins April 1

AUSTIN — No cause has so united the women of America since suffrage. Across race, class and political lines, we have joined together to right this long-standing affront to our gender. The movement is sweeping the country — the National Organization for Women, the Junior League, the National Women's Political Caucus, the Republican Federation of Women — and we are all behind it 100 percent. Even the pro- and anti-choice factions have joined together in this common cause to reverse an insupportable injustice to women.

We are determined, and we shall prevail. The only question left is: How long? How long must the women of America, and indeed the world, continue to suffer under this unconscionable cultural affliction? How long before it is righted and Woman is at last given her just due?

I speak, of course, of the Easter Hen. The Easter Hen, who, for lo these tens of thousands of years now, has been laying one egg after another. And if you think it's easy to lay an egg, consider the size of the hen, consider the size of the egg and think about doing it yourself, bubba. You'd cackle, too. Year after year, egg after egg — no credit, no gratitude, no pay, no benefits, no overtime.

At last comes that one time of year when all the world celebrates the egg. Little children seek them on joyous hunts, shouting with glee when they find an egg that has cost the Easter Hen untold labor. Great artists paint eggs, great jewelers imitate them in precious materials, countless amateurs dip and dye them and then admire the results.

And who gets the credit? Who is sung in story and fable? Who is celebrated on Hallmark cards? Whose portrait hangs in a thousand schoolrooms?

The Easter Bunny. A bunny? And Mr. Easter Bunny! Wearing a bow tie and weskit! Who is responsible for this outrage? Where is the sense of justice, of comity, of simple decency?

Mr. Easter Bunny, hopping down the Bunny Trail with a basket full of eggs, his whiskers twitching with self-satisfaction, claiming credit for someone else's work. If that's not the oldest story since Adam ate the apple and Eve got the blame!

And where is the Easter Hen during this fowl injustice? Sitting in the hen house just as cute as a bug, as we say in poultry circles.

But her poor little red comb is flopped over in depression, and her self-esteem is lower than a fox's morality. First, she gets PES (pre-Easter syndrome), and then, she gets PED (post-Easter depression).

It's not as though the Easter Hen gets credit all year long and Mr. Easter Bunny just steals the show once a year. Oh no, for the rest of the year, the poor darling has to put up with the rooster. What is the oldest saying in the barnyard, where they really know how all this works? You got it: "The rooster crows, and the hen delivers."

She gets no respect. People make slighting remarks about "hen parties," "old biddies" and "broody hens." You'd be broody yourself, duckie, if you had to put up with this.

And then what happens? The Easter Hen puts on a little weight, and suddenly, she's dropped like a hot rock for some young chick. Really! Just let her add a becoming stoutness, as befits a hen who has delivered many an egg, and there goes the rooster after some trophy chick.

Well, we're not putting up with this anymore. The National Campaign to Recognize the Easter Hen (www.cluck.com) is already in high gear. Co-chairs Barbara Bush and Gloria Steinem have lined up a superb lobbying team, headed by Phyllis Schlafly and Ellen Malcolm. Members of the campaign committee — Elizabeth Taylor, Camille Paglia, Bella Abzug, Ivana Trump, Susan Faludi, Helen Chenoweth, Katherine Graham, Anita Hill, Jackie Joyner-Kersee, Kay Bailey Hutchison, Maya Angelou, Helen Gurley Brown, Catherine Coulter, Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan — are prepared to fry, boil and scramble as necessary to achieve our goal. Our motto is: "You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs."

As for the so-called self-proclaimed Easter Bunny, let him eat lettuce.

We know we're up against entrenched special interests backed by huge war chests, but I'm telling you, the Easter Bunny will be Fricassee of Lapin before this is all over.

The Easter Hen has given and given and given, without recompense. Now, her turn has come at last. I warn you, get out of the way of Justice, for she is blind. If we don't get our way on this, we take the Hen out on strike. And see what the Easter Bunny leaves in your baskets next time.

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Molly Ivins is a columnist for the Fort Worth Star-Telegram.

COPYRIGHT 1997 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.