Looking for Stimulus in All the Wrong Places

Dear Joe Conservative: I worked for a local company for years and was recently laid off through no fault of my own. How do I get a piece of Obama's stimulus pie and get my dignity back? — Lookin' for Labor in All the Wrong Places

Dear Lookin': First of all, I am very sorry about your job loss. Second of all, I don't care how cool the president appears, why would you look to the federal government to restore your dignity? You should look into your own heart and gut to find your dignity.

Since you mentioned the stimulus package, let's look at some areas that might help you find employment. The House version of the stimulus package includes money for honeybees, doorbells, dog parks, Frisbee golf, Harley-Davidsons, tennis courts and water parks. The legislation also will mail small checks to millions of non-taxpayers and possibly even a few illegal immigrants. I'll let you figure out how that helps you find employment.

If you get desperate enough, there is $400 million for research into sexually transmitted diseases. I always thought STDs were not actually stimulus but a result of over-stimulus.

Dear Joe Conservative: Iran just launched a "peaceful" satellite into orbit and is also publicly burning President Obama's picture. North Korea is testing more missiles, and Russia, Cuba and Venezuela are rattling their swords against the United States. The European Union is screaming about American protectionism in the stimulus package. Isn't the world supposed to like us now that Obama is president? — My Heart Is Bleeding in Burk

Dear Bleeding Heart: Be patient. Don't you realize that the world will like us just as soon as Hillary's "smart power" kicks in? Our secretary of state will have to crank the smart power full throttle, as Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has already accused the United States of being "passive" and said that our capitalist system has "failed."

Foreign policy is not a popularity contest, and terrorist countries like Iran do not care if they win Miss Congeniality. Hillary may be hawkish, but liberal hawks rank alongside puppies and penguins on the toughness scale. Under the Obama administration, be prepared to feel the love from the European press, as if that matters to national security — but also be prepared to experience abuse from the world's despots, a la Jimmy Carter.

Dear Joe Conservative: A representative of the American Farm Bureau recently told our group that the EPA is proposing new taxes on cattle and pigs because of the greenhouse gases produced from flatulence and belching.

If that idiotic rule passes, I will have officially seen everything. Should I believe what I am hearing? — Farm Boy Near Forrestburg

Dear Farm Boy: Unfortunately, you should believe it. Under the latest version of the Clean Air Act, the EPA does in fact have the power to enact any ridiculous rule, tax or standard its heart desires, even if it involves the naturally produced emissions of farm animals. The proposal would impose a tax of $175 per dairy cow, $87 per head of beef cattle and $20 per pig. Personally, I believe an additional tax of $250 per member of congress should be collected, as well. With the EPA's overzealous regulation of flatulence and belching, look for the price of your favorite chili to go up in 2009.

Dear Joe Conservative: What is this garbage about Obama wanting to regulate the pay of executives? I run a successful company, and I'll be darned if some hotshot Chicago lawyer who just happened to win the presidency is going to tell me what I can earn. This is America, by gosh, and what he proposes is flat un-American. — Teed Off in Texas

Dear Teed: This is a bunch of garbage, but unfortunately it is what our new president is proposing. On Feb. 4, Obama, while feeding off the anti-CEO sentiment currently coursing through our country, imposed a $500,000 cap on executive pay for companies accepting bailout money. That sounded all warm and fuzzy until Obama added, "The administration also will propose long-term compensation restrictions even for companies that don't receive government assistance."

What are you smoking, Comrade Obama? Government cannot run its own business, and it has absolutely no constitutional right to micromanage private businesses. That is not what the United States of America is about.

I'm not quite ready to say I told you so — but with statements like this, I'm getting awfully close.

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