Jobless Benefits, Body Mass Index and Flying Donkeys

Dear Mark: You and your band of merry men, the Republicans, tried to keep President Obama from extending unemployment benefits. Thankfully, Democrats have enough votes to defeat you idiots. What have you got to say for yourself? — Nicer than You in Yuma

Dear Nicer: Barack Obama, who promised to be the great uniter, has once again been divisive by lying about Senate Republicans and their position on jobless benefits.

The president blasted, "They've finally decided to make their stand on the backs of the unemployed; they've got no problem spending money on tax breaks for the folks at the top, but they object to helping folks laid off in this recession."

Wrong, Mr. President. According to a story in USA Today, "Republicans say they aren't against helping the jobless; they just want spending to be offset by budget cuts so that it doesn't swell the deficit." That sounds completely reasonable and one would think something both parties could agree upon.

President Obama was elected because he would bring fresh ideas and "change" to Washington, and all he can say is Republicans are only for the rich? Can't Rahm Emanuel come up with something better than that stale argument? Once again, Obama is using divisive rhetoric to deflect attention from his policies that have failed to create jobs.

Dear Mark: Please say it ain't so. The 2009 stimulus bill included a provision requiring all Americans to have electronic medical records by 2014. The bad part is that each individual's body mass index (BMI) is mandatory in these records and will be available on a national exchange. My BMI number is none of the fed's business, and they can kiss my big fat rear.

Dear Chubby: What is scary is that this is only the beginning of Obama's health care overhaul. What does the government plan to do with this very personal information? Will it ration healthcare based on BMI and other numbers such as blood pressure, cholesterol, pulmonary function tests or gasp ... age? The details are yet to be determined and left almost entirely up to the Department of Health and Human Services.

If the federal government is so concerned with fat, it should begin with a new BMI number referring to the "Budget Mass Index." The new BMI would measure the obesity of our federal budget in order to attack and reduce the deficit and national debt. Just for fun, we could take the BMI measurements of the fat between the ears of Washington politicians, although that number might make our $13 trillion national debt look miniscule.

Dear Mark: I was horrified at the story out of Russia about the flying donkey. That poor animal was seen parasailing over a beach on the Sea of Azov. Don't you think any agreement between the United States and Russia should outlaw animal cruelty? — PETA Person in PA

Dear PETA Person: For the record, I am anti-animal cruelty. According to the AFP story, "The animal screamed in fear as it circled overheads of holiday makers sunbathing." There is no truth to the rumor that Nancy Pelosi thought she was having a nightmare concerning the Democrats' chances in November.

As far as agreements go with the former Soviet Union, I'll trust Vladimir Putin when donkeys fly ... scratch that expression. Try this: President Obama can put it in writing, but I don't believe Russia will honor any agreement they sign.

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