Give Me the Commencement Microphone

Good day, graduates. Most commencement speakers use their time waxing nostalgically in glorious platitudes about the value of a college diploma and how you could be the class that changes the world. Unfortunately, I'm not one of those speakers, as I'm going to tell you how the cow eats the cabbage in the world outside the insulated walls of academia.

I promise to keep my remarks short, as we all know that with the Internet, smartphones, social media and the 24-hour news cycle, your attention span is less than that of a gnat with ADD. I'm also keenly aware that this generation's need for instant gratification has negatively translated over to your career aspirations, as many of your brethren have thrown hissy fits and joined the "occupy" movements. With that in mind, here is some helpful advice to go with your diplomas.

Put off purchasing that BMW, and invest in a pair of comfortable shoes as you could be pounding the pavement awhile as you pursue your dream. The job market is tough, and you might actually have to start at the bottom and work your way up.

Despite the notoriety of reality TV, attempting to jump a moving car while skateboarding in a diaper is not your ticket to financial freedom. Focus more on what you want to put on your resume and not on YouTube. The American dream takes more than a few nights' sleep, so stick to the tried and true formula of hard work and perseverance.

And guys, you might also want to lose a few of those earrings before going on your first interview.

Stop getting your news from Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert and Bill Maher. It's time to do some research on your own. Believe it or not, what goes on in Europe, Iran and Washington does affect you personally.

Speaking of Washington, don't wait on the government to make things fair — that's your job. They say the road to Hell is paved with good intentions; well, the bureaucrats in Washington are some of the best pavers around. They also left you a graduation gift that involves each of you owing the government $45,000 toward the national debt.

Graduates, cleanse your Facebook immediately. Employers don't care how many "friends" you have, how many beers you chugged at the Greek socials or how you streaked across the football field during homecoming. They also don't care to see your "special" tattoos.

If your degree involves the words art, theater, music, literature or French, don't complain when your income doesn't compare to that of your classmates who have degrees involving the words business, engineering, accounting, medicine or computers. You should also call the admissions office immediately after today's ceremony and apply for that master's program. Sorry, that's the real world.

On a more serious note, during Ronald Reagan's commencement address to Notre Dame, the former president left the graduates with this: "I have one more hope for you: When you do speak to the next generation about these things, that you will always be able to speak of an America that is strong and free, to find in your hearts an unbounded pride in this much-loved country, this once and future land, this bright and hopeful nation whose generous spirit and great ideals the world still honors."

Congratulations, good luck, and I'd better not see any of you at Occupy Wall Street protests.

Dear Mark is a public platform for your enrichment and entertainment. E-mail your questions to marklevy92@aol.com. To find out more about Mark Levy, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit www.creators.com.

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