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Marc Dion
Marc Dion
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The Presidential Marriage Slide


You get strange benefits from marriage. For one thing, since you're not alone in your apartment all the time, you don't find yourself talking to empty chairs nearly as often. In addition, a mortgage slurps all the money out of your pocket and, because you have less money to spend in bars, your liver gets healthy.

Best of all benefits is the marriage slide, the new-found ability to get out of things because your wife needs you to take her somewhere or do something around the house. When one of your friends wants you to "go in" on a shaky business opportunity/IPO/Super Bowl bet, you can likewise slide. And when you are out in a bar, a flash of your wedding ring shackle keeps the friendlier female occupants at bay, where once her kittenish, vodka-roughened voice would have led you only to misery and quite possibly to an arraignment for beating up her abusive ex-boyfriend.

I got married for the first time at 52, which is like learning to ride a bicycle when you're 90. After three years, I still ask my wife if I'm doing it right.

And, more often than you'd think, the quiet, plaid-clad married man gets off one of those classic lines that belong only to the fellow who fights the little battles.

I was visiting my elderly mother in a hospital where she went to recover after shoulder surgery. Mothers, by the way, always love you, but they don't visibly respect you until you get married.

A kid, maybe 25, came in with a tray containing my mother's dinner.

He was a nice looking kid, and I couldn't decide if he looked like some guy I went to college with or a movie actor whose name I'd forgotten.

The kid had a goatee and a mustache, and the ends of the mustache were waxed upward into points, like the mustache of a silent movie villain.

"I like your mustache," I said.

"Thanks," the kid said.

"I always want to do that with my mustache," I said. "But my wife won't let me. Every time it gets long and I start twirling the ends in my fingers, you know, training it, she says: 'What are you doing? Time to trim that thing.'"

"You should do it anyway," he said.

"You married?" I asked him.

"No," he said.

"I didn't think so," I said.

And with a weary, worldly sigh, I turned away, letting the kid know that I knew things no mere boy could know.

I don't want to run for president. I like to sleep too much to be president, and my pre-wedding fondness for cheap saloons means that any mildly motivated reporter could write a front page a day about my past.

But I want a president who treats this country and its people the way I treat my wife when my wife's not around.

A president who felt like that could slide out of a lot of trouble.

Do you think my wife would have let me invade Iraq?

You married?

I didn't think so.

To learn more about Marc Munroe Dion and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit



5 Comments | Post Comment
Sir;... A marriage is a form of relationship, and it is a wonderful example that I often employ to illustrate what all social forms of relationship have in common...I wish I could offer you some good advice or even some worthy sympathy; but I cannot... Marriages, like most solutions, carry with them their own problems...It is good to have two heads instead of one, but the thought of it weird... It is good to have two bodies too, and hers certainly feels better from the outside...
I guess I would enjoy it more if it were not a constant reminder of what I terrible failure I am at relating to people... If they are rational I seem emotional, and if they are emotional I always seem rational... I enjoy my wife because she is both in degrees I cannot imagine being... She is simply good and intelligent with common sense that touches many people, and does so because she works with the public... She is my star and I am her night...
This page is my social life for good reason...Do you need something??? I will help, and in the process of will end up all troubled by your troubles and miserable... I can be hurt, and I know it... I stay back in recognition of my weakness... My wife goes into life unarmored, without weapons, and fearless... I fear people because people are so afraid, and the bad situation we all suffer from, the stress, the frustration, the broken dreams makes people dangerous...
I envy you having the courage to marry at an age when you should well know better... Relationships demand that sacrifice and investment of self that some people are incapable of, and after years without, one should know... But when they work, all relationships give us our lives back improved upon, and that is why we do it; just as now, in our national relationship we shrink from it as painful and demanding without reward...Marriage is a great example of all relationship, and when they work they teach many lessons...
Comment: #1
Posted by: James A, Sweeney
Sun Sep 9, 2012 7:14 AM
Re: Sweeney:

"She is my star and I am her night..."


Comment: #2
Posted by: morgan
Sun Sep 9, 2012 2:42 PM
We didn't "get married" to obama. He was elected to fulfill his duty to these united States as prescribed by The Constitution. We are not filing for divorce. We are firing him for being irresponsible.
Comment: #3
Posted by: David Henricks
Sun Sep 9, 2012 9:48 PM
Re: David Henricks

I don't recall seeing a reference to "obama" in the article.
Did I miss a paragraph?
Comment: #4
Posted by: ABarkus
Mon Sep 10, 2012 11:36 AM
ABarkus....the piece is title "The Presidential Marriage Slide". Unless President Obama is no longer in office I'm sure it implies.
Comment: #5
Posted by: david
Wed Sep 12, 2012 10:08 AM
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