The Year in Song, so Sing Along!Finding it hard to remember the year that just passed? Let us aid your recall, in song:
LARRY CRAIG'S TINKLE BELLS (to "Jingle Bells") Sitting on the throne In a Minnesota loo Very far from home Don't have much to do. I tap my dapper toe Underneath the stall Suddenly a cop leaps out And pins me to the wall.
But! I'm not gay, I'm not gay I'm not gay, no way! Oh, how dumb to think I'd come and look for sex that way. Hey! I'm not gay, I'm not gay I'm not gay, no way! I just like to sit in johns and wave at men all day.
ADVICE TO OBAMA (to "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town")
Oh, you better watch out, you better not mope You better get out and peddle that hope. Oprah Winfrey's comin' to stump. She's pumped about you, she's dumpin' on Hil Gonna make you her next Dr. Phil. Oprah Winfrey's comin' to stump.
She knows that she's got power She knows just what to do She's gonna give you lots of votes And you'll get a free car, too.
Oh — you better watch out, you better look great You better not even mention her weight. Oprah Winfrey's comin' … Oprah Winfrey's comin' … Win-win-Winfrey's comin' to stump!
I HAD A LITTLE IPHONE (to "The Dreidel Song")
I had a little iPhone A phone I did adore. I paid 600 smackers The next week it was 4.
Oh, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, You made me overpay. I'd like to stick your nano Where it's hard to press "play."
WE'RE DELAYED (to "Let It Snow")
Oh, the weather outside is frightful But of course they crammed this flight full Just don't say these words, I prayed: "We're delayed, we're delayed, we're delayed."
Now the pilot is getting folksy Using words like "okey dokesy." So much for my free upgrade We're delayed, we're delayed, we're delayed.
No one's certain when we'll push back Seems we're 18th or 19th to go. I had hoped that they'd serve a snack Guess I'll just gnaw on my toe.
Oh, the pilot is gettin' loopy He said, "Folks, I made a poopy." For a camel ride I would trade We're delayed, we're delayed, we're delayed. We're delayed, we're delayed, we're delayed. This year, a proposal was floated suggesting Jews not light candles on the eighth night of Hanukkah to cut down on global warming.
Don't light that menorah! Each little candle's An earth-warming horror.
Gather 'round the table We'll give you a treat: A 15-minute lecture On trapped planet heat.
All that we are sayin' Is candles are not such a lark: You can eat gelt While the polar caps melt But it's better to sit in the dark. You can eat gelt While the polar caps melt But it's better to sit in the dark. AL GORE'S NOBEL PRIZE ROCK (to "Jingle Bell Rock") I got the prize, and you got Iraq. Santa is savin' some coal for your sock And plenty of Fannie Mae stock.
Nobel Prize, Nobel Prize, Nobel Prize Rock I got an Oscar, too! You stole the vote, but I get to gloat 'cause That's the Nobel Prize, whole darn global prize, that's the Nobel Prize Rock!
SUBPRIME BLUES (to "Silent Night")
Citibank, Citibank Made some loans They all stank. Lost $8 billion through breathtaking greed. Got your butt saved by Prince Alwaleed. Who says you never sleep? Who says you never sleep?
MAILER THE SHOWMAN (to "Frosty the Snowman")
Mailer the showman Was as wild as wild could be With an early wife He stabbed with a knife And another two or three. Mailer the showman Was a macho SOB But he did go write "Armies of the Night" So I guess, Norm, R.I.P. Yes, I guess, sir, R.I.P.
AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT … OF SLEEP (to "All Through the Night")
Sleep, my child, just pop Lunestas All through the night. Give sweet dreams to drug investors All through the night. Ambien should help with snoozing Or Sonata — it's confusing. Better still, why not try boozing? All through the night.
To hear these songs, go to www.nysun.com/article/67937 for a podcast. And happy holidays!
Lenore Skenazy is a columnist at The New York Sun and Advertising Age. To find out more about Lenore Skenazy (lskenazy@yahoo.com) and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com. COPYRIGHT 2007 CREATORS SYNDICATE INC.
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