The Year in Carols'Tis the season to begin all columns with "'Tis the season." Even when the column is actually a collection of holiday songs recalling 2010 in all its splendor:
FROSTY THE TRAVELER Frosty the Traveler was a snowman on the go With a corn cob pipe and a carry-on And a book by Scott Turow.
Frosty the Traveler had a plane to catch that day, So he stood in line feeling mighty fine Till he met the TSA.
He must've looked suspicious, 'cause he saw the agents frown, But when he cried, "Don't touch my junk!" They began to pat him down!
Oh! Frosty the Traveler turned beet red and danced about, And the TSA, they all ran away 'Cause the snowman freaked them out. A red snowman freaked them out.
Thumpety thump thump, thumpety thump thump, Agents everywhere! Thumpety thump thump, thumpety thump thump, Hey! Don't pat me there!
WATCH EVERY BITE (to "All Through the Night") Eat, my child, a plate of quinoa. Watch every bite. The whole White House wants you skinnier. Watch every bite. Salt is incapacitatin'. Trans fat we're not toleratin'. Bake sales are a tool of Satan. Watch every bite.
Eat, my child, some whole-grain pancakes. Watch every bite. Wash 'em down with cream of bran flakes. Watch every bite. Health is good, we must remind you. Put that bag of fries behind you. Eat a cupcake, we will find you. Watch every bite.
WALKIN' IN A WIKI WONDERLAND Cables leak, are you listening? In Iraq, someone's bristlin'. We lie, cheat and boast. Now it's in the Post. Walkin' in a Wiki wonderland.
Gone astray, secret death plots. Here to stay, skeevy despots. Gadhaf's got a nurse, And Karzai is worse. Walkin' in a Wiki wonderland.
In the Middle East, they all hate Mahmoud. Hopin' that someone will take him down. Out loud they say, "Israelis are no good!" (But they can do the job when they're in town.)
Later on, we'll conspire As we sit by the wire. To face all afraid The mess that's been made. Walkin' in a Wiki wonderland.
DOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS Oh, there's no Metrodome for the holidays 'Cause the snow buried that old Vikings home. Fans can pine through halftime in Detroit, but oh, For the Vikings, there is no more dome sweet dome.
THE LENO SONG (to "The Dreidel Song") I was the king of late night, And yet I couldn't win. They gave my job to Conan And dropped me on my chin.
Oh, Conan, Conan, Conan, You're hipper than I, yes But now I'm back and rested, And you're on TBS.
SEE YOU LATER, STEVEN SLATER (to "Let It Snow") Oh, the folks on this plane are frightful, And my gosh, I've got a flightful. One just hit my head upside. Let me slide, let me slide, let me slide.
Oh, the overhead bins are packed full, And I'm tired of being tactful. It's this or bee-atch-i-cide. Let me slide, let me slide, let me slide.
When I finally say "buh-bye," How I love bouncing out on my rear! And though unemployed may be I, All the way home I'll drink beer!
Now, if you take your job and shove it, I can guarantee you'll love it. Why not come along for the ride? Let us slide, let us slide, let us slide!
THE 12 WEEKS OF BP On the first week of gushing, my BP gave to me A partridge in a black sea. On the second week of gushing, my BP gave to me Two dying doves and a partridge in a black sea. On the third week of gushing, my BP gave to me Three drenched hens, two dying doves and a partridge in a black sea. On the fourth week of gushing, my BP gave to me Four crawling birds, three drenched hens, two dying doves and a partridge in a black sea. On the fifth week of gushing, my BP gave to me Five broken rigs! Four crawling birds, three drenched hens, two dying doves and a partridge in a black sea. And: 6 geese a-gasping 7 swans not swimming 8 shrimp a-shriveling 9 crawfish croaking 10 frogs not leaping 11 puffins puffin' 12 dolphins drooping And a partridge in a black sea.
HAVE YOURSELF A MASSIVE CHRISTMAS TAX BREAK Have yourself a massive Christmas tax break. Let your heart be light. Do not think about the deficit tonight.
Have yourself a whopper of a tax break. Make your blood run green. We should be OK until 2-0-15!
Use that cash, please, to start a biz, Or our country is dead meat. Downsized friends who worked near to us Work at Walmart now and greet.
True, the tax breaks will expire someday, If the pols allow. Until then, we're frolicking in cash, and how! So have yourself a don't-think-'bout-next Christmas now. Lenore Skenazy is the author of "Who's the Blonde That Married What's-His-Name? The Ultimate Tip-of-the-Tongue Test of Everything You Know You Know — But Can't Remember Right Now" and "Free-Range Kids: How to Raise Safe, Self-Reliant Children (Without Going Nuts with Worry)." To find out more about Lenore Skenazy (lskenazy@yahoo.com) and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com. COPYRIGHT 2010 CREATORS.COM
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