The Elected Official Infidelity Quiz

In the interest of providing the public with a service it has needed for some time — especially these past few days — we proudly present the first failproof quiz to determine: IS YOUR ELECTED OFFICIAL HAVING AN AFFAIR?

Look closely at his or her (come on — who are we kidding? — his ) behavior, and mark "X" next to any of the following items that apply.

Or even "XXX."

—Has he left for a foreign country carrying only a Speedo and a bottle of Jack Daniel's?

—Did he sponsor or co-sponsor legislation titled "No love child left behind"?

—When he closed the door to his office, were there giggles audible from the inside? Were these followed by "wait, let me tell those darn senators I'm in a budget meeting" and then more giggles and the popping of a cork?

—The last time he denied to the press that he was having an affair, did he keep one hand hidden behind his back?

—When questioned by reporters as to why he was leaving a Marriott at 3 in the morning on his wife's birthday, did he mumble, "You guys ever hear of an Arbor Day planning session that finished on time?"

—When asked to disclose his whereabouts after three or four days, did his wife reply, "Why the heck are you asking me?"

—When asked to disclose his whereabouts after three or four days, did his chief of staff reply, "He's on the Appalachian Trail"?

—Has he ever been spotted in a Victoria's Secret near the airport on his way to a conference with the president of Gabon?

—On the campaign trail, did he swear to be "a man you can thrust" and then turn beet red?

—Or did he swear that he represents "chains you can believe in" or promise "four more rears"?

—Does he ever come to the office wearing the name tag from yesterday's donor reception?

—Does he ever come to the office with lipstick on his flag pin?

—Does he seem strangely enthusiastic about the waterborne intestinal parasites convention he's about to attend with his new intern?

—Has he ever claimed he is so pro-family he has two?

—Has he spent the past four days in Argentina or a Motel 6?

—When shaking hands with attractive constituents, does he wink and say, "I have a pole I'd like you to take"?

—When kissing babies, does he ask, "Is this one mine?"

—Does the mother often reply with a slap?

SCORING (so to speak): If you checked off any of these items, your elected official is a lot like a lot of other elected officials since the beginning of time.

And more, I'm sure, to come.

Lenore Skenazy is a columnist at Advertising Age. She is the founder of FreeRangeKids.com and the author of the book "Free-Range Kids: Giving Our Children the Freedom We Had Without Going Nuts with Worry." To find out more about Lenore Skenazy (lskenazy@yahoo.com) and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2009 CREATORS SYNDICATE INC.