The Cuddliest Terrorists Around

As you may have heard — seeing as there's really no news about the economy or the Middle East or the White House or anything — a groundhog here in my town, New York, used his big day to bite our mayor's finger.

"Chuck" (a somewhat ridiculous name for any animal that is not a woodchuck) bit Mayor Michael Bloomberg when the mayor was trying to predict, via furry-animal shadow, whether or not there would be six more weeks of winter. (Answer: Who the $!?& cares? Get me a Band-Aid!)

Later, a bandaged, bitter mayor suggested — really — that this may have been "a terrorist rodent, who could very well have been trained by al-Qaida in Afghanistan."

He probably thinks he was being cute. But the mayor doesn't know the half of it, as these recently declassified documents on adorable terrorist groups reveal:

—GROUP NAME: Taliban Tabbies.

LEADER'S NAME: Ayatollah Garfield.

MOTTO: It's reigning cats, not dogs.

LONG-TERM OBJECTIVE: Force dogs to wear full-body "barkas." That way, the harder they run the harder they fall.

RECENT ACTIVITY: All operatives put on notice via coded message on Fancy Feast cans: Hide under the bed, and await further instructions.

—GROUP NAME: Dictator Dogs.

LEADER'S NAME: (Trouble) Spot.

MOTTO: Bow-now!

LONG-TERM OBJECTIVE: Neutering of all cats.

RECENT ACTIVITY: Dogs placed undercover in suburban homes observed looking up at their owners with wide, pleading eyes, silently willing them not to adopt cats, thus leaving felines to languish at the pound. Well-trained ops use "paw shake" and "tail wag" ploys to further the movement.

—GROUP NAME: Guinea Swine.

LEADER'S NAME: Mr.

Fluffy.

MOTTO: Don't call us pigs!

LONG-TERM OBJECTIVE: Death to the exercise wheel.

RECENT ACTIVITY: Burrowing in wood shavings for contraband weapons … and seeds.

—GROUP NAME: Golden Fighters.

LEADER'S NAME: Golda.

MOTTO: Someday you will be in the bowl!

LONG-TERM OBJECTIVE: Reverence, respect and no more toilet burials.

RECENT ACTIVITY: Thousands of goldfish bravely swimming to the surface to play "dead" to facilitate transportation to cell meetings in sewers.

—GROUP NAME: Numb Chucks.

LEADER'S NAME: Woodchuck Norris.

MOTTO: First we waddle … then we throttle.

LONG-TERM OBJECTIVE: Feb. 1 to be declared "Woodchuck Day."

RECENT ACTIVITY: Hibernating, so as to be rested and ready for spring uprising.

—GROUP NAME: Chicken Thuggets.

LEADER'S NAME: The Colonel.

MOTTO: Who you callin' chicken?

LONG-TERM OBJECTIVE: Re-brand chicken as "giant yellow pigeons," reducing America's appetite for its favorite fowl.

RECENT ACTIVITY: Last seen rotating above a spit.

—GROUP NAME: Al-Qaida Groundhogs.

LEADER'S NAME: Staten Island Chuck.

MOTTO: Today the mayor. Tomorrow the world.

LONG-TERM OBJECTIVE: "All worship the mighty groundhog!"

RECENT ACTIVITY: Hourlong video released from an undisclosed hole shows Staten Island Chuck laughing at the mayor's wound and predicting: "This is the end of your evil empire! A thousand more bites by a thousand more groundhogs! We will gnaw our way to the top! Or alternatively, you could give us a giant golf course, and we could call it a day."

Lenore Skenazy is a columnist at Advertising Age. She is the founder of FreeRangeKids.com. To find out more about Lenore Skenazy (lskenazy@yahoo.com) and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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