Opinion> Lenore Skenazy> Stock Market Lessons From Sesame Street

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Stock Market Lessons From Sesame Street

As goes Wall Street, so goes Sesame Street. You knew that, right? If you want to see a bunch of moping Muppets, swing on by.

Bert is furious that Ernie insisted they finally buy their place in 2005 — at what turned out to be the peak of the market. The Cookie Monster has been hit hard by rising food costs and keeps ranting about how the ethanol program is pushing up the price of grain. And Elmo? He's not the same.

"Tickle me?" he was mumbling to himself as he lay in the gutter in front of Mr. Hooper's store yesterday. "How about 'Kick Me Elmo'? Or maybe 'Shoot Me.' I could come with a little squirt gun. Or how about just 'Screw Me Royally and Make Me Work Till I'm 97 and Furless Because There Went My Entire 401(k) Elmo.' Kids will love that, yeah. That'll sell at Christmas. Hic."

Unbeknownst to his financial handlers — and even his arm, eye and body handlers — Elmo had plowed all his plush-toy profits into credit derivatives via a hedge fund recommended by Big Bird (who has been missing for a week).

Only Oscar the Grouch seems to have escaped the current crisis unscathed, for reasons that are, in retrospect, obvious: He avoided the real estate bubble by residing, mortgage-free, in a garbage can. He never overextended himself by buying … anything. Most significantly, he kept his assets liquid. Just like the fruit rotting in the bottom of his can.

That's why whenever you see Oscar these days, he's a new man with a new tune.

He's singing it so loud, so often, Abby ("Crabby") Cadabby threw her wand at him.

He put it on eBay, made a tidy sum and just kept singing. Feel free to sing along.

"I Love Cash" — to the tune of Oscar the Grouch's "I Love Trash"

Oh, I love cash!

Anything silver and solid and shiny,

Anything precious and pure, not subprimey.

Oh, I love cash!

I stuffed all my quarters inside of a sock.

It's lumpy and bumpy and hard as a rock.

But I wouldn't trade it for Fannie Mae stock!

I love it because it's cash.

Oh, I love cash!

Anything silver and solid and shiny,

Anything precious and pure, not subprimey.

Oh, I love cash!

I keep all my dollars tucked under my bed.

I could use a bank, but I like this instead.

My bed doesn't need any help from the Fed!

So that's where I stash my cash.

Oh, I love cash!

Anything silver and solid and shiny,

Anything precious and pure, not subprimey.

Oh, I love cash!

I once found a penny right next to my chair.

I could have bought Lehman; I could have bought Bear.

My piggy bank got it; I'm glad it's still there!

I love it because it's cash!

Oh, I love cash!

Anything silver and solid and shiny,

Anything precious and pure, not subprimey.

Oh, I love, I love, I love cash!

Lenore Skenazy is a columnist at Advertising Age. To find out more about Lenore Skenazy (lskenazy@yahoo.com) and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.