Ready for Antibiotic Coffee With Marshmallows and Spelt?Every once in a while, someone comes up with a truly great new product: Pop-Tarts; the Prius; Veggie Booty ("Now in regular or salmonella-free!''). But most of the time … they don't. They come up with a truly tiny twist on an old product and expect us to get all excited about it. That's somewhat hard, especially when you know their secret: They use the Skenazy New-ish Product Generator. You can, too. Just mix and match from columns A and B, or go whole-hog and string together A, B, B+ and C. (Or go really wild and try C, B, A!) Soft-Baked Froot Loops and Green-Tea Oreos await. Hurry, before corporate America beats you to them! And send me samples! Column A Antibiotic "Probiotic" Proud-independent-biotic Shade-grown Painfully crunchy Whole-grain Free-range Slow-churned Home-schooled Lactose extremely intolerant Al Gore, Laurie David and Arianna Huffington-approved Garden-harvested Fire-roasted Fire-burnt-to-a-crisp Yogurt-covered Tension-busting Grain-fed Hormone-free Cavity-fighting Cucumber-melon Soft-baked No-rinse Dulce de leche Super-chunky-to-the-point-of-being-almost-solid Green tea White tea Greenish-whitish tea Quintuple-cream Lite Never-even- met -a-trans-fat Rain forest Cinnamon-honey Rachael Ray Column B Crumb cake Coke Coffee Crest Froot Loops Tums Diet Pepsi Dryer sheets Softsoap Aquafina Haagen-Dazs Oreos SpaghettiO's Cheerios Yoplait Butter substitute Applesauce Hot Pockets Ranch dressing Baby wipes Turkey dogs Protein bars Doritos Espresso beans Tide B + (OPTIONAL) For men! Column C (With …) A splash of juice A hint o' mint A gram of ham Citrus-lime-lavender-yoga-mat freshness Pomegranate molasses Teeth-whitening agents Teeth-replacing agents (NEW!) Insurance agents Grapefruit extract Ginseng swirls Portobello mushrooms Breath-reviving micro-beads Skin-softening moisture spores Subatomic Parmesan particles Quick-acting vodka Marshmallows and spelt Garlic 'n' ginkgo Yet more honey and cinnamon Twice the Dijon 87 percent pure cacao Antioxidant crunchies Free Harry Potter invisibility cloak (trust us — it's in there) Extra fiber Rachael Ray's actual DNA Or (when all else fails): Lime. Lenore Skenazy is a contributing editor at The New York Sun. COPYRIGHT 2007 CREATORS SYNDICATE INC.
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