Reading the Tea Leaves at StarbucksAs we look ahead to a new year, what one person, place or thing most embodies the hard times ahead? Starbucks. And I say that not just because I am sitting in one right now, looking around for inspiration. With its profits down 97 percent and recession blanketing the country like cappuccino foam, Starbucks is at the forefront of the recession and therefore poised — if it is innovative enough — to be at the forefront of a recovery. To understand Starbucks is to understand 2009 — and maybe even GM. What will the Java joint be doing? —Give the World Your Finger. Teaming up with Bono for its first-ever celebrity endorsement, Starbucks encourages customers to eschew its wooden coffee stirrers in favor of a cheaper, reusable alternative. Tentative slogans: "Go digital" and "Stir till it hurts." —The Starbucks Gray Card. Unlike the company's new Red Card, which, for $25 a year, encourages users to actually buy MORE overpriced drinks and get some sort of discount, the Gray Card acknowledges the truth: We're not there for the grande Frappuccinos anymore. We're there for free overhead light and a cup of coffee we can nurse all day. Ten bucks a year gets you the Gray Card; buy one tall (i.e., small) coffee, and no one will hound you out of the store for bringing your own Entenmann's doughnut. And lunch. —Free Download of Store Manager's Band's Songs. This is not so much for the customers' benefit as it is for the store managers', some of whom may balk at a 97 percent pay cut. In return for salary concessions and some new job requirements (employees must sew their own aprons and rinse out any used, un-dented cups), the managers' creativity is celebrated by the stores. —Bottomless Coffee Mug.
—Bathroom Privileges. The Starbucks restroom is still free — with the purchase of a large drink, sandwich and fries. I did mention Starbucks is serving fries now, right? And apple pie? —Heatless Tuesdays. You'll appreciate that steaming cup o' joe that much more on Tuesdays from now on! —Alternative Rock. Managers are authorized to begin replacing all broken chairs with the alternative: rocks. When a store location is short on rocks, managers are permitted to substitute piles of newspapers or overturned buckets. —Goatmeal. Though some customers complain about the goat smell in the morning (and object to seeing the animal on a spit), meaty chunks immediately outperform brown sugar and walnuts as the oatmeal stir-in of choice by a 17-1 ratio. —Pete's Place Pike's Peak Pokemon Bring Back My Profits Peek-a-Brew. Unhinged by spreadsheet shock and desperate for a jazzy new drink name, Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz proposes this one. His board, threadbare and shivering, nods along, eager to get to the free sandwich part of the meeting. The new beverage is a huge hit until federal investigators discover the secret ingredient: Dunkin' Donuts coffee. —Innovate, Innovate, Innovate. Undaunted at Leavenworth, Schultz comes up with one last-ditch hope for the chain: Starbucks Instant Perk, $1 a cup (with noodles: $2). This item proves so popular it pays for Schultz's appeal. He is sprung on a technicality and triumphantly returns to lead his company to an even more successful 2010, a year that finds customers enjoying all-you-can-sip caffeine from the chain's new "Mochachino Trough." Pull up a rock, but remember: BYOS (Bring your own straw). Lenore Skenazy is a columnist at Advertising Age. She is the founder of FreeRangeKids.com. To find out more about Lenore Skenazy (lskenazy@yahoo.com) and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com. COPYRIGHT 2008 CREATORS SYNDICATE INC.
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