Read-Aloud Resolutions

Why is it that every year, only adults bother making resolutions?

Clearly, there is a much simpler way to make us drink less, smoke less and eat entire pints of Cherry Garcia less: Give the resolutions to the kids .

Imagine how unneedful of nerve-calming vices we'd be if only our kids kept even a handful of vows. Here's what they could be:

I, a cute but moderately exasperating child, do solemnly resolve to do the following:

—When entering an elevator pungent with a stranger's perfume, I will not exclaim, "P.U.!" and hold my nose for the duration of the ride.

—I will make every effort to look up from my PSP, at least when I cross the street or hug my grandma.

—After I take a snack from the fridge, I will not perch on the bottom shelf of said fridge to eat it.

—I will bring no talking toys to the table. But if I do, I will not insist they be given their own place settings and desserts.

—When asked to try a new food, I will sample at least enough to cover one taste bud before making loud gagging noises and spitting into my napkin.

—Throughout the meal, I will eat with all due speed, neither resorting to mouse bites nor consuming substantial items, such as bananas or burgers, in one single unclosable mouthful.

—I will not kick my doctor anywhere in the bellybutton-to-knee zone, no matter where he/she attempts to shine a light.

—Nor will I physically assault the person cutting my hair, clipping my nails or trying to get a teaspoon of cough syrup down my throat.

—I will place nothing edible, valuable or breakable in the DVD player.

If I do, I will warn my parents before they put a movie in it.

—When I have finished eating all my cereal, I will not turn my bowl upside down to prove it.

—Should someone as ancient as my parents insist on saying hello to me, I will not scurry behind my parent's leg in terror.

—When spotting a person of remarkable girth, I will exclaim neither, "Boy, are they fat!" nor, "They must eat a lot of food!"

—My coat never will lie in a heap two inches from where I walked in.

—If, for reasons of extreme fatigue, my mother or father decides to skip one tiny element of my bedtime routine — the tummy tickling, the kissing of the stuffed bear, the turning off the light then turning it on again then off again to confuse local monsters, etc. — I will not insist that he/she start the whole thing from the top, under pain of nonstop screaming.

—I will accept the fact that homework, teeth brushing, neck washing, vegetables and visiting the relatives are nonnegotiable.

—I will not whine.

—I will not screech.

—I will not spill.

—I will not sing the Empire Mattress jingle to the exclusion of all other songs.

—I will not grab my sibling's favorite toy from his/her clutches and fling it on the floor as if it had cooties.

—I will remain incredibly adorable despite the fact I no longer am acting like any human child you ever have met. I love my parents!!!

Lenore Skenazy is a columnist at Advertising Age. She is the founder of FreeRangeKids.com. To find out more about Lenore Skenazy (lskenazy@yahoo.com) and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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