Sexual Politics for Dummies

Maybe a year ago we all would have been shocked by the John Edwards affair. A mistress! A baby! A strange, sexually charged incident in the men's room!

Now it just feels like one of those chapters they add to a textbook so college students can't buy the used edition at half-price.

Doesn't it seem as if we already have learned everything possible about politicians' peccadilloes (emphasis on their peccas) for more than a year? Thanks to Eliot Spitzer, Rep. Vito Fossella — and his secret love child in D.C. — gay former Gov. James McGreevey and, of course, restless leg Larry Craig, it's as if we've been through Advanced Placement Sleaze and aced it. We are officially adults now, just like French people but without the delicious pastries and nude first lady.

Just in case there's a pop quiz, however, here's a cheat sheet about cheats between the sheets:

THE LESSONS WE'VE LEARNED FROM A YEAR OF STUDYING GUYS AND DOLLS (AND GUYS AND SOMETIMES BABIES) IN POLITICS

—If it's a choice between believing a politician and the National Enquirer, go with the one that also features celebrity cellulite shockers and dirt on Rosie O'Donnell.

—When a politician says he did not have sex with "Person A," it's because he doesn't realize yet that there are photos. And a wiretap. And a guy from the National Enquirer.

—And diapers.

—Also, "Person A" is blabbing to half the world and keeps cashing campaign checks.

—You don't have to be a young woman to be a powerful man's mistress.

—Sometimes you don't even have to be a woman.

—Men in power choose their paramours by proximity, peroxide or payment method. Or by whoever's in the next stall.

—If a politician isn't getting fat, there may be a reason.

—It's hard to hear any politician talk about moral values without wondering, "Is that the same shirt he was wearing yesterday?"

—When a politician says he has been forgiven by his family and God, ask yourself, "How would he know whether God really forgave him?" Then ask yourself that about the people standing next to him on the podium with their teeth clenched.

—If there were a law that allowed us to remove the offending husband from office and swap in his wife or grown daughter, we all would relax.

—We don't like a guy more if he likes his doll less.

LESSONS OUR LEADERS HAVE LEARNED THE HARD WAY (SO TO SPEAK)

—Once you get a $400 haircut, no one really trusts you again.

—People will remember whatever you said about "that woman" a lot more vividly than they ever will remember your clean coal bill.

—If you're going to have sex with a woman of childbearing age, she just may.

—If you're going to have sex with a man, he won't.

—Avoid hotels between 2 a.m. and 7 a.m.

—Two heads are better than one. Two families, no.

—Making a presidential campaign Web video? Edit out the giggles.

—If you're going to admit your indiscretions, admit them all at once so there's less footage for YouTube.

—If you're going to proudly declare yourself a gay American, do it before you're caught with a member of your same sex and no pants.

—If you're going to admit to an affair, do it on the day the Olympics start.

—Pay cash for everything you shouldn't be paying for at all.

—When you say, "If you want to beat me up, feel free," they will.

—By the time you are hiding out in a men's room, all bets are off.

—By the time you are hiding out in an airport men's room, all belts are off, too.

Lenore Skenazy is a columnist at The New York Sun and Advertising Age. To find out more about Lenore Skenazy (lskenazy@yahoo.com) and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2008 CREATORS SYNDICATE INC.