Investors, perhaps you are worried. Perhaps you are ready to yank all your money out of the market and stuff it in your mattress — except that you were thinking of selling your mattress on eBay.

Don't. I just checked. There are 5,796 there already, and you're going to want that mattress when you're curled up in a ball, moaning something about Jim Cramer.

Anyway, the good news is that even if the entire financial world seems to be falling apart like your Ikea bookshelf — don't ask, I just know — there's no reason you have to sit there while dictionaries fall on your head. Actually, it's an ideal time to get out and invest.

That's what my broker tells me, anyway. And he would know, right? (Although something seems to be wrong with his phone.) The only question is: Which stocks are absolutely recession-proof? Depression-proof? Last-week-proof?

Herewith, a professional's picks. Ha-ha — I didn't tell you what profession, did I?

INVESTMENTS THAT WON'T GO BELLY UP

(because they don't have bellies)

STARBUCKS: Yes, I know you think it's going to go under — who needs $4 coffee when $4 can buy you an elected official? — but watch what happens to what's left of American productivity if it does. The government will step in faster than you can say "Fannie Mae." Or just "Fannie," because that's more fun.

DAVID BLAINE … is about to hang upside down for three days. Figure out a way to invest in him because when the entire market is going down, for him it's going up.

CLUB SODA: There are only two things everyone needs to live: water and air. Look who's got 'em both.

VODKA: Of course, sometimes it feels as if there's only one thing everyone needs to live.

MICROSOFT: Sure, everyone always is annoyed with Microsoft. It's too slow. Too clunky. And there's that eyebrow-wiggling paper clip that looks secretly depressed. All of which are exactly what makes this stock so attractive! Why? Because nothing really annoying ever goes away. At least, not while you're paying attention. Think of your brother: 19 years of annoying you (if you count college vacation). Had you stopped paying attention, he'd have disappeared, like that cabbage soup diet everyone forgot about after it made them so gassy. As long as Microsoft continues to annoy us, it'll stick around.

FAKE BEARDS: This is not as big a business as, say, copper or commercial real estate. But take a look at financial history and you'll find that fake beards have proved to be more immune to economic ups and downs than many other so-called recession-proof industries. Moreover, a year's worth of holidays virtually ensures nonstop demand: Halloween, Purim, Christmas and the big kahuna: Lincoln's Birthday. Talk about your nonelastic demand. Well, nonelastic in the Keynesian sense. But otherwise, of course, elastic is key to this industry.

BIOFUELS: Um, biofuels are the wave of the future because … uh … OK. Maybe I threw these in because everyone else does. Is that any worse than what your investment adviser did?

GINGHAM: How do I know gingham is such a sure thing? Because I watched "The Waltons," that's how. That proud TV family survived the Great Depression by making everything out of gingham — aprons, curtains, kerchiefs. Their pump was made of gingham. Their dog was. John-Boy was part gingham. When the going gets tough, the tough get gingham.

HERSHEY BARS: Can you honestly imagine going through a worldwide economic collapse without a candy bar at your side? And not some froufrou, 78 percent cacao candy bar that reminds you of how you blew your money when you had it. A real one. With almonds.

LEHMAN: Despite its current difficulties, Lehman must live! I love it; my kids love it. How can something this old and important to our culture just suddenly disappear? And what are we supposed to substitute for it? Greasy fried rice? Please, government officials: Even if it seems too late, do not let Lehman die!

(Editor's note: Lenore, are you possibly confusing Lehman with Lo Mein?)

Lenore Skenazy is a columnist at The New York Sun and Advertising Age. To find out more about Lenore Skenazy (lskenazy@yahoo.com) and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2008 CREATORS SYNDICATE INC.