creators.com opinion web
Liberal Opinion Conservative Opinion
Lenore Skenazy
Lenore Skenazy
28 Aug 2014
Let's Criminalize Childhood

A whopping 68 percent of Americans think there should be a law that prohibits kids 9 or younger from playing … Read More.

21 Aug 2014
The Holiday That Ruins Summer

Ever get a card saying "Happy Labor Day!"? Of course not. Because there is no such thing as a happy Labor Day.… Read More.

14 Aug 2014
Whatever Happened to Advertising's Also-Rans?

Perhaps you remember Katy the Kangaroo — but probably not. About 60 years ago, Katy was Tony the Tiger'… Read More.

Elect-Me Elmo — and Other Potential Veeps

Comment

 

Our presidential candidates have been through a lot. At least mine sure has. So here is the ultimate gift: vice presidential short lists for each of them.

No need to thank me, friends (unless you win).

 

For John McCain:

— Elmo: As red-state as McCain — or red, anyway — but younger, cuddlier. Lowers the ticket age by about 173 percent. Genial nature could well recapture fawning press Sen. McCain got the first time around. Moreover, ready on day one to do the vice president's job, i.e., listen to his running mate's punch lines and laugh till he falls down.

Downside: Reacts the same way to Lou Dobbs.

— Tarzan: McCain needs it, and this guy's got it: the swing vote.

Downside: Only good suit is made of banana leaves.

— Regis Philbin: Karl Rove's lesson: Take your opponent's strength and make it his weakness. Post-Karl corollary: Take your own weakness and make it your strength. Who says two cranky, old white guys can't win? McCain-Philbin brings years — almost centuries — of experience to the job. Plus Philbin can promise that if he's elected, everyone goes home with a free juicer.

Downside: Tendency to interrupt stump speeches with, "We'll be right back with Eva Longoria!"

— Hillary: Would Obama get one ounce of airtime facing these two once they're a team? Nope.

Downside: Bad campaign slogan: "I'm with stupid."

— Michael Bloomberg: Understands the economy and owns a big chunk of it.

Downside: Um … he's short?

 

For Barack Obama:

— Pillsbury Doughboy: Supremely un-bitter, blue-collar white guy. Wears his preservatives like a badge of honor. Found on shelf farthest from the baby arugula but totally buys Sen. Obama's message: Can we have fresh-baked crescent rolls in just 20 minutes, provided the oven is preheated? "Yes, we can!"

Downside: In the heat of the campaign, could end up actually baked.

— Beyoncé: Just a great-looking ticket.

Downside: Americans may not be ready after eight years of Dick Cheney.

— George Clooney: Just a great-looking ticket.

Downside: See above.

— Hillary: Reunites the Democratic Party.

Makes ticket even more historic. Gives Obama someone to work in White House attic on all-important four-year Adopt a Cul-de-sac legislation.

Downside: The vice president becomes president if something falls from the attic onto the president's head.

— Michael Bloomberg: Brings executive experience, terrorism smarts and giant wallet to campaign.

Downside: McCain will cry.

 

For Hillary Clinton:

— Cruella De Vil: Famed fierce femme makes Hillary look like a warm puppy by comparison. Equally obsessed by issues of black and white — albeit Dalmatians. Deep Disney roots could only help in L.A. fundraising.

Downside: PETA.

— Al Gore: It worked for the other Clinton. Comes with enough "green cred" to spread around. Got that big prize last year.

Downside: Ethanol enthusiasm may have accidentally caused worldwide famine, pestilence, disease, death and higher prices of breakfast cereal. And those prices were already high.

— Isiah Thomas: Has dealt with sex scandals, angry New Yorkers, losing teams. Eager for a comeback. In short: Hillary in size 15 shoes. Nicely mutes the race issue, except …

Downside: African-Americans hate him, too.

— Katie Couric: Rose to the top on brains and moxie, only to be slammed by the sexism no one is willing to admit still rules the world. "Post-feminist America" still wants man in the job. In short: Hillary in a cuter skirt. The Thelma and Louise ticket, except …

Downside: Didn't Thelma and Louise drive off a cliff?

— Michael Bloomberg: As a subway rider, enhances her Everyman appeal.

Downside: As a billionaire, not so much.

Lenore Skenazy is a columnist at The New York Sun and Advertising Age. To find out more about Lenore Skenazy (lskenazy@yahoo.com) and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2008 CREATORS SYNDICATE INC.



Comments

0 Comments | Post Comment
Already have an account? Log in.
New Account  
Your Name:
Your E-mail:
Your Password:
Confirm Your Password:

Please allow a few minutes for your comment to be posted.

Enter the numbers to the right:  
Creators.com comments policy
More
Lenore Skenazy
Aug. `14
Su Mo Tu We Th Fr Sa
27 28 29 30 31 1 2
3 4 5 6 7 8 9
10 11 12 13 14 15 16
17 18 19 20 21 22 23
24 25 26 27 28 29 30
31 1 2 3 4 5 6
About the author About the author
Write the author Write the author
Printer friendly format Printer friendly format
Email to friend Email to friend
View by Month
Author’s Podcast
Walter Williams
Walter E. WilliamsUpdated 3 Sep 2014
Michael Barone
Michael BaroneUpdated 2 Sep 2014
Froma Harrop
Froma HarropUpdated 2 Sep 2014

1 Jun 2007 A Slugger, a Stunner and a Shrink

8 Apr 2007 America for Dummies

13 Mar 2008 Battle of the Sexes Over Sex