Congratulations, My (Adjective) Graduates

Note to Grads: Just fill in the parentheses and you can skip the big speech. It's all here!

Greetings, students, parents, deans, professors and our esteemed mascot (name of fish), who so aptly represents our student body — and with whom I have a date later tonight. I just hope that's not a costume!

It is an honor to (verb) before you. It would be an honor to stand, but I banged my (body part) on the way up the steps and am forced to lie down. Luckily, the dean of (plural noun) had a carpet scrap with her, though now my chin is itchy.

As I look out on your (adjective) faces, I am reminded of a time just (number) years ago, when I, too, was graduating college with my degree in (noun) studies. It was a nontraditional major, and for my senior project, I was required to live in (town or country) disguised as a (noun) in order to do my fieldwork. Unfortunately, this led to a virulent case of (disease), which is normally cured by drinking three gallons of (alcoholic beverage) daily. I say unfortunately because it was a six-month course of treatment, and I cannot remember anything that happened the rest of senior year, including how I ended up back at college with (silent-movie star) tattooed on my chest and a human (organ of the body) in my trunk. I sort of remember graduating, but I have no photos of myself in a cap and gown, so who knows? I do have a photo of myself in a (name of cartoon) suit. But did I wear that to graduation? And where were my parents? Unless — were they the couple in the background wearing ski masks?

No matter. As you will learn soon, youth is but a day, and age is but a number. (Number), to be exact. Don't tell! Moreover, if at first you don't (verb), try, try again — just at something else, easier.

And as my dear (family relation) oft said to me, "A stranger is just a friend you haven't met, who may kill you."

With those (adjective) words in mind, it is time for you to start out on that long journey we call (noun). Or do we call it (word that rhymes with previous noun)? Wow, is it hot. I'd say I have to go lie down, but I think I am already. Or else the air is shaggy and really close to the ground. And there's a penny in it.

I was invited here today — I think — as a reminder of the greatness to which you young people can (verb). Once, I, too, was a young person such as all of you combined into one giant young person and divided by the number of you there are. Those were the days! And just like you, I was eager as a (name of animal) to make my mark.

I did, and part of it is still there. The rest is covered by a (noun) I got at (name of store).

Now it is time for you, too, to go forth and tell the world, "World, I'm (adjective). Here's my number. Call me."

And if the world is anything like your beauteous deep-sea mascot, the world will come to your hotel room and not leave for 24 blissful hours, at which point you will have graduated. And perhaps someday, you will lie before the world as I lie before you today. Or yesterday. Or whatever day it is.

Class of 2010, I salute you! Or I would. But every time I try, I hit my hand on the floor. Why is that?

Lenore Skenazy is the author of "Who's the Blonde That Married What's-His-Name? The Ultimate Tip-of-the-Tongue Test of Everything You Know You Know — But Can't Remember Right Now" and "Free-Range Kids: How to Raise Safe, Self-Reliant Children (Without Going Nuts with Worry)." To find out more about Lenore Skenazy (lskenazy@yahoo.com) and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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