An Apple a Day Makes Me Feel Old and Gray

So now your cell phone will be able to do more things than you ever DREAMED it could do, ever WANTED it to do and ever could possibly MAKE it do without the help of your has-to-be-bribed-with-ramen-for-dinner 12-year-old.

The only problem: While he's busy punching buttons and telling you how easy it is to sync your laptop to your ring tone to your prefrontal cortex, you are curled up under the bed wondering: Was everything always changing this fast and it just SEEMS like now it is faster and harder to keep up than ever? Or is it all Steve Jobs' fault?

Let us look back to the Middle Ages to find out:

The event: That futuristic extravaganza, the Renaissance Fair

The place: Merry Young England

Standing on a tree stump: Sir Steven of Jobs

In his hand: A branch

Listen in: Wenches and gentlemen, gather 'round! See what a wonder have I here! You'll recall that five harvests ago I introduced ye to the wondrous device that made it simple for you to hear anyone whistle any tune at any time — provided you were standing close by. My device — the iStick — had merely to be poked into the ribs of your fellow peasant, along with the request, "Whistle, or I'll poke ye again. Harder." Simplicity itself! These days it is hard to remember a time before such sticks were in every person's hand.

And ribs.

Now, verily, most inventors are happy if they can create one such revolutionary device over the course of their three long decades on earth. But yea (for me!), I'm here to revolutionize again, this time with three popular devices astoundingly melded into one utensil. Behold the Apple iBranch: A branch from an apple tree you can use to prod your oxen, hold whilst walking and, as always, poke the reluctant whistler.

But wait! There's Sir Thomas Moore! (A little joke.) With just a few bits of straw you can turn this branch into a broom.

Remove the protective apple I've stuck on one end and it becomes a spear. Lash on some new-fangled iron, and it's a hoe! And you can sync the broom to the spear so that if someone bothers ye while ye be sweeping, you can impale him like a poxy rat. And if someone is calling you while you are listening to a whistler, you can put the whistler on hold (simply beat him over the head) and revive him when you're ready to listen again. It's absolutely intuitive!

Now watch this. You can forward your whistler to your oxen by pushing him along with the pointy end of the branch. If you'd like him to hoe while he's whistling while you are sweeping, simply press control/poke/sweep. You can instantly message your Lord or Lady by forwarding the iBranch through a castle window. And it can download pictures by drawing in the mud. Any questions?

WOMAN WITH GRAY HAIR: I don't get how you can hoe and sweep at once.

SIR JOBS: Ask your son.

AGED MAN: Do we really need one stick to do all this? Couldn't we just use a bunch of sticks?

SIR JOBS: That's olde-think. See how sleek is the iBranch? And it costs but 499 potatoes (599 if you want it sanded).

SON: I want it now! Here are 599 potatoes from my father's storage hole.

AGED MAN: That's our food for the winter!

SIR JOBS: Sold! Believe me, young man, your parents are stuck in the Dark Ages.

AGED MAN AND WOMAN (sneaking up behind Sir Job with giant branches they've ripped from a tree): Get out! Now! Take THAT for making us feel old and thick! And that! And that! And while you're running, whistle!

SIR JOBS: (Runs away, whistling "Green Sleeves.")

Moral of story: Times always ARE a-changing and it always IS Steve Jobs' fault. Now you know.

Lenore@LenoreTown.com

To find out more about Lenore Skenazy (lenore@lenoretown.com), and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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