42 Ways To Tell We're Tanking

For the average American man and woman — let's call them Freddie and Fannie — times are feeling a bit dicey. The housing market is in a swoon. The stock market is swooning right along. Consumer confidence? Lying there like a wet towel on the bathroom floor that nobody's picking up.

As troubling as things are, however, are we really in bad shape? Here's a handy-dandy way to find out:

 

YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN A RECESSION WHEN …

1. You put your family on eBay.

2. You have your gold fillings removed — and not by your dentist.

3. Your child's birthday party features the very reasonably priced Clarence the Once-Convicted Clown.

4. When you send your friends an e-mail, it usually begins, "FROM THE DESK OF MR. ZONGO."

5. Your hostess gift is actually made by Hostess.

6. Your country club finds you steaming broccoli in the sauna.

7. You give your son summer Spanish lessons by having him work in lawn care. (Actually, not a bad idea.)

8. When your doctor says you need a pacemaker, you start browsing Craigslist.

9. When you get into your Jacuzzi, you throw a load of laundry in, too.

10. Your yoga mat looks a lot like last week's newspaper.

11. So do your dinner napkins.

12. You put your four-cylinder, 30-mpg Dodge Dart up for sale.

13. You use the proceeds to buy a Hummer.

14. You brag about your new Apple. Then you go home and eat it.

15. Your weekend home looks remarkably like your weekday home.

16. Your weekday home looks remarkably like your parents'.

17. Your Smart car is so smart it has left you, moved to Cambodia and opened a bra factory.

18. American Airlines charges you $5 per pant leg.

19. You rent out your MySpace and crash in the corner of a friend's MySpace page.

20.

You take the penny out of your loafers.

21. You bring homemade cookies to the office and charge for them.

22. You spot Rachael Ray actually eating at a Dunkin' Donuts.

23. You switch from single-malt scotch to single-malt liquor.

24. You sell your Miami real estate holdings to pay for a haircut. You carefully decide which hair.

25. You are jostled when you swim because of the salmon farm in your pool.

26. Your podiatrist is Dr. Scholl.

27. You're overdrawn on your Starbucks card.

28. You daughter and her fiance register for Chinet.

29. The band at their wedding plays Chipmunks hits. Only Chipmunks hits.

30. You hear Leona's dog has switched to generic ringworm medicine.

31. Instead of Botox, you experiment with grout.

32. Instead of the iPhone, you use the pPhone. It takes quarters.

33. Lancome's free gift with any purchase is Isabella Rossellini.

34. Esquire magazine features Calvin Klein's latest fragrance: "Gasoline."

35. Ben & Jerry's debuts "Lefty Leftovers" — the first ice cream flavored with pre-owned food.

36. "American Idol" stops giving back and starts hoarding.

37. You arrive at picnics early to forage for edible plants.

38. The La-Z-Boy service contract includes an annual home visit to extract coins from between cushions.

39. The glove compartment of the Batmobile reveals a treasure trove of Burger King ketchup packets.

40. Beyonce shows up at the People's Choice Awards in a halter made from a bandana.

41. Angelina barters baby pictures for a year's worth of free Pampers.

42. Kmart rolls out a wacky Halloween costume, called "Happy Homeowner."

 

And remember: When life hands you lemons, use them to open a lemonade stand. Put a cute kid out there as shill. Charge 50 cents a pop, and use really small cups.

Lenore Skenazy is a columnist at The New York Sun and Advertising Age. To find out more about Lenore Skenazy (lskenazy@yahoo.com) and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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