'Pride and Prejudice and Zombies' and Me

The book "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies" is a surprise hit, combining, as it does, 19th-century drawing room prose with the undead. The zombies lurch through Jane Austen's tea parties and drawing room piano recitals trying to do whatever it is zombies do to humans. Nothing nice, I'm sure. But as you probably can tell, I did not read the book.

Who has time? I'm tearing my hair out trying to come up with my own brilliant book like that. A book that takes a hoary chestnut and turns it into an instant, HUGE pop-culture phenom with the sickeningly simple addition of brain-eating newcomers or something else hip and new and slightly kinky.

God knows who's beating me to it. Here's my list. Interested? My computer's on. I drank my coffee. Lots of it. I'm ready! MORE than ready! I've gotta write one of these things NOW. Call my agent! Here goes:

—"A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Hot Tub"

—"AnnaKarenina.com"

—"The Gettysburg Tweet"

—"A Tale of Two Starbucks"

—"Anne of Green Gables and Green Everything Else, Including Green Dishwashing Detergent, Green Building Materials and, God Help Us, Green Diapers"

—"As You Like IT Guys"

—"Little Women and Vampires"

I know, I know. That "Zombie" guy probably is doing this already.

—"Little Men and Alien Probes"

Ditto. I'm sure he got a million-dollar advance. And a movie deal! Let's hope the aliens get angry and demand a little probing in return. Not that I wish ill upon a fellow author, who just happens to be super-successful and set for life thanks to a stupid GIMMICK! Of course not.

—"Bleak House Full of Supermodels"

—"Jane Eyre Hockey"

—"Aesop's Apps"

—"Romeo and Juliet and Juliet's Surprisingly Nubile Little Sister"

—"Dr.

Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and — Hey! Juliet's Little Sister Again"

—"Hamlet and Juliet's Little Sister, Who Knows How To Show a Classic a Good Time!"

—"Crime and Punishment SVU"

—"Of Mice and Men and Monsters"

Sickeningly derivative, but I can write it really fast! Probably faster than you-know-who, now that he's such a big shot. I've got the Cliffs Notes right here.

—"Sons and Lovers and Robots"

OK, I know. So sue me; it's not completely an original idea. What is? Even Mr. "P & P & Z" didn't have to write half his book. He just lifted it from Jane, who couldn't very well object because she's out of copyright protection AND dead. Or is she? Maybe those undead are really ANNOYED AUTHORS tired of people making BIG BUCKS off their crystalline prose and have come back for BLOOD! Or — watch out, buddy! — royalties .

—"Howards End, Ha-Ha"

—"Of Human Bondage"

Fine the way it is but needs a better cover.

—"A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man With a Funny Blog About Cats"

—"Moby Dick vs. Jaws"

—"The Great Gatsby vs. The Magnificent Ambersons"

—"Their Eyes Were Watching 'SportsCenter'"

—"The Oxford English Dictionary and Extra Words I Made Up, Such as 'Zombify': to add a zombie or two to someone else's book and make it YOUR OWN. Like that's so cool."

—"The Sound and the Fury and the Mummies"

Save your breath.

Lenore Skenazy is a columnist at Advertising Age. She is the founder of FreeRangeKids.com and the author of the upcoming book "Free-Range Kids: Giving Our Children the Freedom We Had Without Going Nuts with Worry." To find out more about Lenore Skenazy (lskenazy@yahoo.com) and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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