Talking It Over

I've watched my husband deliver hundreds of speeches over the years, from informal chats in town halls to national addresses on Inauguration Day.

But I've never seen him as nervous as he was last week, when he gave the commencement remarks to Chelsea's graduating high school class.

Nor have I seen him as overtaken with emotion, especially when our daughter doubled back after receiving her diploma on stage and threw her arms around her father.

I know from my relationship with my own dad how important fathers are to their daughters. And it's certainly true for Bill and Chelsea. From the moment she came into the world, Bill has been an anchor in her life, and she in his.

Bill never knew his own father, who was killed in an auto accident three months before he was born. That may be one reason he has been so attentive to his own daughter and so determined to provide her with the love, support and care that every child needs.

Bill was with me in the delivery room when Chelsea was born. In the months afterward, he willingly took turns changing diapers, giving bottles, telling bedtime stories and rocking her to sleep.

As Chelsea grew older, his role expanded. He had no rivals when it came to cheering in the stands for her grammar school softball team. He spent hours late at night helping her with her homework. And he wouldn't dream of missing her annual ballet recital.

Whenever his schedule permitted, he also took Chelsea to work with him, starting when she was 3 or 4. He set up a little desk in the corner of his office where she sat and colored. I remember walking in one day and seeing him earnestly explain some complicated issue to her as she played with the telephone. I think of that today when he talks with her about some matter on his mind while we sit at the dinner table.

Today, we recognize more than previous generations the importance of fathers in their young children's daily lives, whether it is reading a book to an infant, attending a parent-teacher conference or chaperoning a teenager's birthday party.

We are also discovering that many men want to spend more time with their children, only to face the same obstacles that women do when it comes to balancing work and family life.

In a new book titled "Working Fathers," Dr. James A. Levine suggests that a lot of fathers are just as torn about meeting their responsibilities to their jobs and their families as women are. The difference is that most men have been conditioned not to talk about the conflicts they feel. And many continue to confront an age-old stereotype of fathers as providers for the family who can't risk taking time off from work to accompany a child to the doctor or a piano lesson.

As a result, the concerns and anxieties that men feel go unstated in discussions about how to create family-friendly work environments. Too often, there's an assumption that new work strategies such as flex time, parental leave and telecommuting are designed for mothers, not fathers, when in fact they can be beneficial to both.

The good news, according to Levine, is that several major corporations have taken steps to help mothers and fathers integrate their family and work lives. And increasingly, men are making their voices heard, too, turning down promotions or job changes that would put unwanted pressure on their families.

More men are understanding how fast the child-rearing years go by and how much they will miss if they don't participate fully in raising their children. As the old saying goes, "No one on his deathbed ever says he wishes he spent more time at the office."

Given the shifting roles of parents these days, and the inevitable stresses and strains that modern life imposes on families, I hope we will use this Father's Day to encourage all fathers to reap the rewards that engaged and active parenthood can bring.

Most of all, I hope we will give fathers the love and support they need as they try to fulfill the many roles that we have come to expect from them.

To fathers like my own who believed their primary responsibility was to provide financial security, and fathers like my husband who have consciously tried to combine work and family activities, and fathers-to-be in the next generation who may find the best balance yet — let's all join in saying: Happy Father's Day. And from Chelsea and me, Happy Father's Day, Mr. President.

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