Talking It Over

My mother will be embarrassed when she hears that I'm writing a column about her. But it's Mother's Day. And given that my own daughter will be leaving for college soon, I've spent more hours than usual thinking about mothering, motherhood and the passage of time.

One reason my life has been blessed is because my mother believed so firmly in creating a stable family for her children. She made sure my brothers and I had the love and attention we needed, even though she wasn't lucky enough during her own childhood to enjoy the same.

My mother was born to a 15-year-old mother and a 17-year-old father, teen-agers far too young to manage their duties as parents. When the marriage failed, my mother, then 8, and her 3-year-old sister were sent alone by train to Los Angeles to live with their paternal grandparents.

My mother's grandmother was a rigid and arbitrary disciplinarian who constantly put her down. Her grandfather gave her little time or attention. Her own father seldom visited. And her mother disappeared from her life for the better part of a decade.

Thankfully, my mother came in contact with adults who helped her along. One teacher noticed that my mother often came to school without money for milk, so she bought an extra carton each day and gave it to my mother, saying she was too full to drink it herself. A great-aunt gave my mother gifts and tried to protect her from her grandmother's harsh treatment.

When my mother was 14, she went to work as an au pair, taking care of a family's children in return for room and board. She had to get up early each morning to make breakfast and get the kids ready for school. At night, she stayed up late to do her homework.

The woman who employed my mother saw her special way with children and encouraged her to pursue her education. She gave her books, stimulated her intellectually and became a role model of what a responsible and caring parent is like.

I've often wished I had met that generous teacher, or my Aunt Belle, who was so kind to my mother, or the woman she worked for as a teen-ager.

I would tell them how grateful I am for the nurturing they provided and for the faith they placed in my mother at a time when she was filled with distrust and disappointment. These adults (whom I like to think of as part of my mother's "village") helped her recover from emotional wounds that could have lingered for a lifetime.

And even though it still makes me angry to think about the pain my mother endured as a child, I have come to recognize that the hardships shaped her strong sense of caring, compassion and respect for all people. They instilled in her a love of learning. And they taught her lessons about life that she still imparts to me and my brothers today.

I remember once, when I was about 4, my family had just moved to the suburb of Park Ridge, outside of Chicago. I was trying to make new friends in the neighborhood. But every time I went out to play, I was pushed, shoved and teased mercilessly.

After several weeks of this, I burst into tears one afternoon and raced back inside to avoid my tormentors. My mother was waiting for me at the door. "There is no room for cowards in this house," she said. Then she sent me back out.

I couldn't believe it. Neither could the other kids, who weren't expecting me to return that day, if at all. When they started teasing me again, I stood up for myself. That's when I finally won some friends and some respect. Only later did I learn that my mother watched the whole episode from behind the dining room drapes, shaking with worry over what might happen.

In the years since, my mother's love and wisdom have guided me through many difficult times. She is a frequent visitor at the White House, and when she's not around, I call her often to talk about everything in our lives.

Like many women of her generation, she had few of the opportunities and choices that my peers and I take for granted. But if caring, commitment, common sense and an endless supply of unconditional love are hallmarks of good parenting, then there isn't a mother in the world who has outdone my own.

So, Mom, here's to you and to the millions of other mothers who are irreplaceable in their children's hearts and lives.

Happy Mother's Day.

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