Opinion> Debra Saunders> The Democrats Dictionary

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The Democrats' Dictionary

Doublespeak is alive as Democrats pull the strings in the White House and Congress 24 years after 1984. What do they mean when they engage in Democrat-speak?

I know I'm not worthy, but I've got an assignment, so I shall borrow a page from Ambrose Bierce, not with a Devil's Dictionary, but a Democrats' Dictionary. The easy part: There's no dif.

Academic freedom: Full license to espouse liberal thought to unformed minds.

Bailout: Billions upon billions — trillions really — of government aid doled out to financial institutions to remind voters of the need for strong regulation.

Biden, Joe: Running-at-the-mouth politician, but, hey, he was elected vice president.

Bipartisanship: 40 Republicans and 60 Democrats.

Bush, George W.: Big-spending, war-waging Republican.

Cheney, Dick: Satan.

Clean coal: What Santa Claus puts in Democrats' stockings so they don't have to admit that their global-warming agenda is anti-coal.

Climate change: Global warming during a blizzard.

CNN. Unbiased news network whose reporters battle "right-wing" media.

Deficits: Overspending before 2009, or spending practices that President Obama inherited. For current usage, see: Investment.

Extremists: Abortion opponents.

Fox News: Unlike CNN, biased news network.

Global warming: An apocalyptic theory that every scientist believes in — except dissenting scientists who don't count — best bemoaned from one's Gulf Stream jet en route to an international conference on the environment.

God: What people in small towns clung to before Obama won the White House. See: guns, anti-immigrant or anti-trade beliefs.

Health care costs: A spiraling chunk of the U.S. economy that can be reduced by providing health care to all Americans. Really.

Homeland security: Gun control.

Iraq: An immoral war, once the focus of numerous anti-war demonstrations, which Democratic leaders vowed to end immediately upon winning the White House — until Obama won the 2008 election.

Liberal: The L-word, a term unfairly hurled by name-calling right-wing kooks.

Lieberman, Joe: Former Democrat turned Independent senator from Connecticut.

Sellout.

McCain, John: Former GOP maverick who — the nerve — turned out to actually be a Republican.

Middle class: Families that earn less than $250,000 — until Washington decides it might be a good idea to pay for all the new Obama-era programs.

Nuance: Homeland Security Janet Napolitano's decision to refer to terrorist attacks as "man-caused disasters." Formerly known as Doublespeak.

Obama, Barack. God, at least in Detroit.

Oil: A crude substance used to fuel other people's cars.

One hundred days. The first in a series of holy days during which dutiful media preside over national thanksgiving.

Palin, Sarah. White-trashy grandmother utterly unqualified and too dim-witted to be vice president.

Pandemic: CNN-speak for flu.

Pelosi, Nancy. Grandmotherly House speaker who could not be expected to understand that when Bushies authorized waterboarding of high-value detainees, it actually might happen.

Progressive: Liberal.

Public transportation: What other people should take to work.

Regulation: The threat of a salary cap for executives with firms receiving federal funds.

Republican Party: The party of the rich — if the California inland empire and Central Valley are rich, and Beverly Hills, Marin County and Malibu are not.

Sacrifice: Something Bush never asked for during time of war. Now a tax hike for 95 percent of working families while U.S. troops fight in two wars abroad.

Specter, Arlen: Republican turned Democratic senator from Pennsylvania. Free thinker.

Stimulus: A rush in the nether regions at the prospect of spending trillions of dollars you don't have. Not to be confused with: Banking.

Surge: A tactic involving troop increases that could never work in Iraq, but always made sense for Afghanistan.

Tobacco: Toxic substance that should be overtaxed or banned — unless it is marijuana. Then see: Medicine.

Tolerance: An essential element to civil societies; individuals deemed insufficiently tolerant must be re-educated.

War on terror: The fairness doctrine, the only weapon that can harm America's true enemy, Rush Limbaugh.

Waterboarding: Torture — unless a plane piloted by terrorists hits a reservoir.

E-mail Debra J. Saunders at dsaunders@sfchronicle.com. To find out more about Debra J. Saunders, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

Comments

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Ma'am; this is just another strike out for you, and kind of whimpy for a man... When are you going to hit it out of the park???I'd like to see how the republicans define crime, or humanity, or justice, or peace, or an economy...I'd like to know what they think a principal is, or an ideal is since they are so good at living by them while they disregard reality until they can disregard reality no more...I'd like to know what they think the object of the constitution is, and if the constitution should ever be measured against the goals those who wrote it set for it in plain sight...What do you folks see when the flag waves, and what does it mean to you??? I mean; a lot of my people worked for this country, and some of them laid their lives on line for it... None of mine have cheated the government or their fellow citizens to make their way, and some of them worked their way out of company towns, or dire poverty... Your kind seems to want to tell my kind that we have no rights in this country, and no reason to expect better, and how ever you define it, or by what dictionary, I beg to differ...This is our land, a commonwealth as are all republics, and it is not all the property of the rich, and if it were, it could not be defended by them... We are well within our rights to demand that the rich, who own so much of the good realestate, productive property, and wealth of this land should pay for their own defense since they seem to want to drive this country into war for their 'American' interests around the globe... What is good for general motors is not all that good for the country... What is good for the rich is not good for the poor; but what is good for the poor is good for everyone...We need to redefine what it means to be Americans to exclude anyone who thinks they are too good to pull their share of the load... Get off and walk if you want; But if you want to talk crap then earn the right by doing your share of the chores... Thanks...Sweeney

Comment: #1
Posted by: James A, Sweeney
Mon May 11, 2009 2:21 PM