David Harsanyi from Creators Syndicate

No Bickering or Thinking. Just Do It. for 09/10/2009

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 00:00:00 -0700

Those who claim that President Barack Obama's speech on health care this week wasn't a glorious success are fooling themselves. A Washington takeover of health care never sounded so enticing or fun.

Just ignore the specifics, because when the president says he welcomes substantive new ideas, he means that if you have the nerve to offer any ideas — as Whole Foods' CEO, John Mackey, ...

Updated: Thu Sep 10, 2009

Why Can't We All Just Get Along? for 09/16/2009

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 00:00:00 -0700

C'mon, everyone knows the hullabaloo surrounding President Barack Obama is bigotry in action. The administration's policy initiatives couldn't possibly provoke any authentic anger or protest.

Proving this dastardly motive, on the other hand, has been problematic. But there are ways around this dilemma. Unearth some crazy outliers. Create caricatures. Recognize "code" words. Red ...

Updated: Wed Sep 16, 2009

Civility Is Overrated for 09/17/2009

Thu, 17 Sep 2009 00:00:00 -0700

If you've been paying attention lately, you may be under the impression that the United States is spiraling into mass incivility.

The evidence keeps mounting: Rep. Joe Wilson's yelling. Serena Williams' yelling. Kanye West's ... whatever. All of these uncouth characters have been strung together by critics to establish, indisputably, that there is a societal explosion of boorish and coar ...

Updated: Thu Sep 17, 2009

Chu on This, You Crazy Kids for 09/23/2009

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 00:00:00 -0700

If Jesus raised the dead tomorrow, our science czar probably would be too busy calculating the carbon footprint to find salvation.

But who needs Christ when the flock is blessed with sound moral guidance from men and women whose lifework has been cajoling 50 percent plus one to push a button?

From our extravagant health care choices to our risky financial behavior to our ill-conce ...

Updated: Wed Sep 23, 2009

How To Lose Friends ... for 09/24/2009

Thu, 24 Sep 2009 00:00:00 -0700

The United States does not negotiate with terrorists — but we insist that Israel do so without preconditions.

We will not get entangled in the distasteful internal politics of Iran — but we define Israel's borders.

We will remove missile defense systems in Europe so we do not needlessly provoke our good friends in Russia — but we have no compunction nudging Israe ...

Updated: Thu Sep 24, 2009

Leave Them Kids Alone for 09/30/2009

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 00:00:00 -0700

Children can be irritating — especially your children. That is why the notion of a school year extending 12 months is not completely revolting. But alas, the government is not a baby-sitting service. Not yet. Let's hope not ever.

In the midst of grappling with a scattering of thorny issues, President Barack Obama took time to lend a fatherly hand this week. Your little Jake, it see ...

Updated: Wed Sep 30, 2009

Rosemary's Crybabies for 10/01/2009

Thu, 01 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0700

There are a number of ideas in this world that never should be introduced to each other; "Christian" and "rock" are one example. "Movie" and "wholesome" are certainly another. And really, one thing we always have been able to count on is the boundless depravity of Hollywood. For this, I used to be grateful.

Obviously, those of us with even a tenuou ...

Updated: Thu Oct 01, 2009

The Doers vs. The 'Thinkers' for 10/07/2009

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0700

This week, New York Times columnist David Brooks introduced readers to his imaginary friends, Mr. Bentham and Mr. Hume, as a way of highlighting the nation's philosophical divide.

If only our ideological split were that complicated.

As it happens, I also have two imaginary friends (and boy, do I need them), named Mr. Hoover and Jim.

Mr. Hoover knows everything. He attended ...

Updated: Wed Oct 07, 2009

Max's Adventures in Wonderland for 10/08/2009

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0700

For Philistines like me, the mysteries of Washington can be both perplexing and wondrous. If you've been watching noted alchemist Sen. Max Baucus, D-Mont., conjure up health care gold this week, you probably know what I mean.

Mercifully, House and Senate Democrats recently blocked amendments that would have required health care bills to be posted online for 72 hours before a committee vo ...

Updated: Thu Oct 08, 2009

They're Tragically Delicious for 10/14/2009

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0700

How can Americans be expected to wrestle with the myriad dangers that confront them each day? Insalubrious cereal? Unregulated garage sales? Pools of death? Sometimes it's too much to process.

You know what we desperately are crying out for? An army of crusading federal regulatory agents with unfettered power. Who else has the fortitude and foresight to keep us all safe?

Mercifull ...

Updated: Wed Oct 14, 2009

In Praise of No, No, No for 10/15/2009

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0700

No. Normally used to express the negative of an alternative choice or possibility.

No. A super way to convey negation, dissent, denial or refusal.

No. Republicans — the "Party of No" — should embrace the glory of the word.

It is always curious to hear irascible members of one political party accuse members of the opposing political party of "playi ...

Updated: Thu Oct 15, 2009

Fox News Is Biased? So What? for 10/21/2009

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0700

Those of you paying even the slightest attention these days realize that President Barack Obama has been the target of a near-criminally biased and antagonistic mass media.

Someone had to put a stop to the madness.

The organization most persistently engaged in reporting on issues that put the administration in a poor light has been Fox News. Or should I say Fox "News." U ...

Updated: Wed Oct 21, 2009

The Rise of the Mob Economy for 10/22/2009

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0700

What's more infuriating, a government "pay czar" who can dictate the salaries of private-sector citizens or some corporate welfare queen who has the nerve to complain about a salary cut?

On a gut level, it's a tough call. Watching the same swine who begged for charity after spearheading the devastation of their respective companies take massive salary cuts is thoroughly satisfy ...

Updated: Thu Oct 22, 2009

Masterfleece Theater for 10/29/2009

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0700

The King James version of the Bible runs more than 600 pages and is crammed with celestial regulations. Isaac Newton's "Principia Mathematica" distills many of the rules of physics in a mere 974 pages.

Neither of them has anything on Nancy Pelosi's new fiendishly entertaining health care opus, which tops 1,900 pages.

So curl up by a fire with a fifth of whiskey, and just ...

Updated: Thu Oct 29, 2009

Can It Be? A Party for Capitalism? for 11/04/2009

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

For perhaps the first time in American history, seemingly rational adults will sit down and spend significant time dissecting the off-off-year elections in Virginia, New Jersey and New York's much-discussed 23rd Congressional District.

Naturally, a consensus will emerge:

The angry, hard-right, radical, insane (etc.) conservative base has hijacked the Republican Party and, ...

Updated: Wed Nov 04, 2009

Don't Stress on Stress for 11/05/2009

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

Every year, the American Psychological Association gauges the emotional temperament of the nation with its report "Stress in America." If we're to believe the results of the study, it appears that Americans are increasingly freaking out.

The APA is the largest professional association of psychologists in the world, so I trust that the organization never would overstate a proble ...

Updated: Thu Nov 05, 2009

Freedom To Confuse for 11/11/2009

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

If liberals are so disturbed by Congress' dictating whether abortion is a legitimate health care issue or not, it only makes sense that they should be equally troubled by government management of other health care decisions.

Undoubtedly, this is zealously naive thinking on my part. Reaching such a conclusion demands a modicum of consistency. And as we've seen, health care "reform&qu ...

Updated: Wed Nov 11, 2009

C'mon, Admit It. Twitter Is Useless for 11/12/2009

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

Not long ago, Meghan McCain, maverick progeny and rising media star (because, no doubt, of her impressive intellectual gifts), posted a cleavage-intense picture of herself on her Twitter account.

"For years," the 25-year-old would lament later, "I have struggled to accept the fact that the way I look in a tank top comes off more 'sexual' than a flat-chested woman."

Updated: Thu Nov 12, 2009

The Palin Experience for 11/18/2009

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

These days, where you fall on the crucial issue of Sarah Palin tells the rest of us all we need to know about your character. You're either A) a scum-sucking, terror-loving elitist or B) a radical, tea bag-loving simpleton.

Yet believe it or not, one can (as I do) admire Palin's charisma and roots, appreciate her dissent on the policy experiments brainy folks in Washington are cooking up ...

Updated: Wed Nov 18, 2009

The Geeks Had a Word for It ... for 11/19/2009

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

Like other books Americans have a duty to own — the Bible and "Atlas Shrugged," for instance — the dictionary does not require an absurd marketing ploy to sell itself.

Yet every year, a barrage of cockamamie "word lists" are unveiled by publishers seeking to bring attention to the evolving English language.

In the end, these lists establish two fact ...

Updated: Thu Nov 19, 2009