Opinion> Connie Schultz> Why Does Anyone Choose To Parent

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Why Does Anyone Choose To Parent?

Why should a person choose to have a child?

What are the right reasons? What are the wrong reasons? Is it possible even to make such a distinction? And who is to say?

These were the sorts of questions an education professor, now retired, once asked his graduate students at a large state university in the Midwest. He wrote to me after last week's column on abortion rights. He asked not to be identified to protect his students, but he wanted to share the discussions that unfolded after he asked this question:

"What reason or reasons would you give for why a person should have a child?"

First, there was stunned silence. After a bit of collective throat clearing, the students dived in and reached a quick consensus: Make it want , not should . The question should be, "Why should a person want a child?"

"OK," he said, "let's talk about that."

The class, which was about 60 percent women, grew increasingly uncomfortable with the discussion. One woman suggested that people have babies to have "something or someone to love."

"Why not a golden retriever?" he asked.

Another student said, "It's an individual thing."

"OK," the professor said. "What are your individual reasons?"

As the discussion progressed, it became clear that the students weren't really sure why someone would have a child. He continued to press, one semester at a time.

One evening, a "bright, blue-eyed woman from Nebraska" surprised everyone in the class with her response:

"I'm Jewish," she said, "and we Jews are the people with whom God has a covenant to promise that God will not abandon the world. So — and especially after the Holocaust — I should have at least two children to be sure we go on."

Two other Jewish women in the class objected, and strenuously. One said the young woman was being "ridiculous."

Consensus continued to elude students, class after class.

Those who insisted they were either pro-life or pro-choice seemed equally "befuddled" when it came to explaining why people have children. When adoption came up, many said they'd be willing, but only if they could be certain there were no "issues" with the child. As if any parent gets that guarantee.

More than a decade later, the student discussions remind the professor of the uncertain, perhaps unconscious, reasons most decide to become parents.

Would it be fruitful, he wonders, to discuss the question of why we have children before engaging in the abortion debate?

He may be onto something.

Ever since our e-mail exchange, I've tried to answer his question for my own life, my own two children. I find myself with more questions than answers.

I met the boy who became my son when he was 6. I married his father two years later and raised Andy as my own. He was a bright, gentle little guy, whose greatest act of childhood rage was to bury his friend's gloves in the yard. It was easy to love someone so smart and sweet; easier still because he needed me.

I do not recall ever asking myself why I loved him. I just did, and do.

My daughter came four years later, after nine months of a pregnancy that forced me into bed for the last long seven weeks of it. I was scared and miserable, but I wanted that baby. It was the first time I considered what it would be like to force a woman to bear a child she did not want.

Caitlin was a deliberate conception, but even now, I cannot say why. I was 29, hardly a ticking clock. I claimed that my son deserved a sibling. If not a wrong reason, it was a mighty silly one, considering the difference in their ages and needs.

All these years later, the only thing I know for sure is that I'm really glad my kids are here.

Some may leap on that and say I've just made an argument against abortion. They are mistaken.

When it came to becoming a parent, I had a choice.

I chose them.

Connie Schultz is a Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist for The Plain Dealer in Cleveland and the author of two books from Random House: "Life Happens" and "… and His Lovely Wife." To find out more about Connie Schultz (cschultz@plaind.com) and read her past columns, please visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.