The Rush To End Miss America

Miss America officials have decided to kill off their beauty pageant.

That's not what they're saying, but you tell me what it means when a beauty pageant that professes to champion America's young women issues a news release with "Rush" and "thrilled" in the same sentence:

"We are thrilled to have Rush join us for our pageant this year," said the Miss America Organization's president and CEO, Art McMaster. "We know that the 2010 Miss America Pageant will be filled with new twists and exciting opportunities with him as one of our national judges."

No, he's not talking about the Canadian rock band.

Yes, he's apparently serious about right-wing talk show host Rush Limbaugh.

Let's ponder the possibilities, shall we?

All those pretty young women shimmy down the runway wearing skimpy swimsuits and smiles that slowly fade into suppressed shrieks as they come face to ogling face with the same guy who just last month said the Marines rejected Hillary Clinton because they "do not have uniforms that fit that big an ass."

Not a Hillary fan?

OK, here's his take on why John Edwards was unfaithful to his cancer-stricken wife:

"My theory that I just explained to you about ... what could have John Edwards' motivations been to have the affair with Rielle Hunter, given his wife is smarter than he is and probably nagging him a lot about doing this, and he found somebody that did something with her mouth other than talk."

What might the Miss America officials be thinking?

First, a little history: The pageant was founded in 1921, the year after American women got the vote. In its heyday, it had nearly 55 million viewers.

Over time, it lost favor with most of the viewing public for a long list of reasons, which Limbaugh undoubtedly would claim was compiled entirely by "feminazis."

A few years ago, ABC dumped the pageant. Officials moved the contest from Atlantic City, N.J., to Las Vegas, and it had a brief stint on Country Music Television before landing on its current home, TLC.

Viewers now number about 2 million, which I imagine is less than the number many infomercials get.

Miss America officials did not return my call by deadline, but McMaster, in an interview with the Las Vegas Sun's John Katsilometes, did elaborate on why he picked Limbaugh.

Well, kinda.

"I want people to understand how the pageant judging happens," McMaster said. "We don't just pick out seven names. We have seven different categories, and we need people who are experts in those categories."

Hmm. What sort of expert might Limbaugh be?

Here's his own description of men like him: "We're not sexists; we're chauvinists. We're male chauvinist pigs, and we're happy to be because we think that's what men were destined to be. We think that's what women want."

You know what else Limbaugh thinks women want?

"Some of these babes, I'm telling you, like the sexual harassment crowd. They're out there protesting what they actually wish would happen to them sometimes."

Makes ya just wanna hug him till he can't breathe, doesn't it?

Full disclosure: In the past year or so, Limbaugh has referred to me as "blitheringly ignorant," a "ditz," "brain-dead" and "mind-numbed." Being my mother's daughter, I smiled politely but told him that no matter how many names he calls me, I can't be his girlfriend.

Five years ago, I might have written quite a rant about the ridiculous and demeaning tradition of the Miss America Pageant.

I would have gone on and on about how the swimsuit competition demeans our bright young women, whose only runway should come with frequent flier miles.

But Rush Limbaugh is the new face of Miss America, and he'd be the first to tell you his influence is far greater than mine.

I'm counting on it, Rush.

Connie Schultz is a Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist for The Plain Dealer in Cleveland and the author of two books from Random House, "Life Happens" and "... and His Lovely Wife." She is a featured contributor in a recently released book by Bloomsbury, "The Speech: Race and Barack Obama's 'A More Perfect Union.'" To find out more about Connie Schultz (cschultz@plaind.com) and read her past columns, please visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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