The Flawed Heterosexual Agenda

When I saw the young family walking in front of me, I couldn't help but think, "Now there's another fine example of the heterosexual mandate to be fruitful and multiply."

Maybe that's an odd reflection in the middle of an airport, but I had just read that the Maryland Court of Appeals upheld the state's ban on gay marriage. That whole "one man-one woman" thing was tumbling around in my head like Keds on tumble dry as I watched Mom and Dad herd their three little ones to baggage claim.

As flights go, it had been a short one — unless you are a short one, in which case you probably thought you had just escaped Satan's idea of recess after sitting in one place for a whole hour and seven minutes in a jet so loud you had to yell to get orange juice, please.

So there they were, working off the frightful memory of their recent incarceration, skipping and shouting and walking backward on the people mover until their mother yelled that they were this close to getting smacked.

"Oh, she wouldn't," I thought.

She would, and she did, whacking the backs of their heads so hard that her son fell to the ground. His father, not to be outdone, yanked him to his feet and swatted his behind for good measure. For the rest of the walk, the kids wailed.

Yup, we heterosexuals have this parenting thing all figured out.

The Maryland court ruled that limiting marriage to a man and a woman promotes the state's interest in heterosexual marriage as a means of having and protecting children. The court also said the state's General Assembly "has not acted wholly unreasonably in granting recognition to the only relationship capable of bearing children traditionally within the marital unit."

This could be perceived as a slight to heterosexual couples who adopt. Wouldn't this make their children less "traditional" than lesbians who give birth? Ah, but that's exactly the sort of quibbling that'll get you nasty reader calls from folks claiming special dispensation from God to "hate the sinner, not the sin."

Or, wait, I think it's the other way around, only you wouldn't know it by the time they get done describing the charring fires of Hell awaiting those whose version of love makes them feel icky.

If state courts and legislative bodies continue to insist that only heterosexuals have the right to marry and raise children, then it might be a good idea for them to provide some guidelines for this superior brand of parenting.

I hate to be a contrarian here, but has anyone else noticed how often we heterosexuals screw up?

About half of marriages end in divorce, and there are more than a half-million children in foster care as I write. We aren't even that great with do-overs. Lots of heterosexuals remarry and vow to love stepchildren as their own until that marriage runs out of gas, too, and then they toss those kids like trash on a roadside.

And then there are the Hollywood heteros who think it's cute to drive around with their babies on their laps and give them goofy names such as Moxie CrimeFighter and Pilot Inspektor. Warning: Cuddly little babies of self-absorbed parents can grow into teenagers who post videos of Mom and Dad in drunken stupors on YouTube.

I'm not saying all heterosexual parents are nut jobs, but it does seem that our glass houses could use a little Windex. Nothing like a little sunlight to spot hypocrisy.

In the meantime, you just know homosexuals will keep trying to sneak something past us.

I am reminded of the lesbian couple who hired my daughter to baby-sit. They're raising two bright little girls to change the world. One mother works, the other stays home so that their children always have a parent waiting for them at the end of the school day. Their clothes are clean, their lunches healthy, and they never doubt for a moment that they are loved dearly.

Whom do they think they're kidding?

Their daughters may be growing wings, but their idea of family is never going to fly.

Connie Schultz is a Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist for The Plain Dealer in Cleveland and the author of two books from Random House: "Life Happens" and "… and His Lovely Wife." To find out more about Connie Schultz (cschultz@plaind.com) and read her past columns, please visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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