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Saving Christmas

I'm not talking about saving Christmas from the assault by the political left. No, I don't mean that BS "war on Christmas garbage" about schools and businesses insisting upon "happy holidays," rather than "merry Christmas," paraphernalia.

I'm talking about something much more serious. Much more troublesome. Much more existential: Christmas has become about as stressful and time-consuming as the SAT, LSAT, the MCAT and every other standardized test combined. It is, quite simply, not fun anymore. For anyone.

Let's walk through the inevitable: Inevitably, you'll give a gift to someone who hasn't had time or money or the foresight to buy one for you, too.

Inevitably, you'll buy a gift for someone, who, either by mistake or because you bought him or her a lavish gift last year, will offer you something wildly out of proportion with the meager token gift you've purchased for them.

Inevitably, you'll spend more money than you meant to; inevitably, most of the gifts, both that you give and receive, will end up back on a shelf. Except this time, it's your shelf, rather than the store shelf.

So what's to be done? In my mind, there's only one answer: Gift giving must be severely curtailed. It must be made socially unacceptable to "gift" anyone over 13. Think about all the headaches and cash this saves: no co-workers, no teachers, no coaches, no friends, no grandma — sorry, old dame.

It will replenish the magic of Christmas. If you know you only have a couple of years of toy-income left, you're gonna value tearing that paper off a whole lot more. And, just maybe, it'll provide a date certain for kids to find out the truth about Mr. Claus: which is that he's absolutely real, of course.

Why not then? I've been pitching this idea for months now; I've yet to find someone to disagree with the premise. Christmas has become unruly. Particularly now, amid the most difficult economic period in decades, there's no need to perpetuate this cycle of pain.

Christmas, stripped of this orgy of paper and gift, could become a second Thanksgiving.

A two point zero, if you will.

The problem, like most problems we face, lies with Washington.

If you thought the health care lobby was fierce, if you thought that energy special interest groups were deeply entrenched, just wait until you see the firestorm that this idea sets off. There is no one that should attempt to come between the Capitol Hill crowd and their presents, the White House and its stockings.

Lobbyists, after all, have always used the currency of gift to win influence. And if you think Mattel, Fisher-Price and Lego have anything less than the biggest alligators in the D.C. swamp, you're wildly mistaken. There are still legends recalled in Washington's quiet corners of the heyday of FAO Schwartz's Christmas extravaganza, where lawyers and lawmakers would take turns sitting on Santa's lap while their town cars were filled with free presents to match their wish lists. And, of course, there was an infinite appropriation of candy to match.

Anyone that's heard rumors of the Israeli lobby, the gun lobby or the tenacious telecom troupe should certainly also know about the toy cartel, a group so vicious nobody dares mess with their turf. Except me, and perhaps you, if you've also grown tired of the ravaging of Christmas.

The magic of Christmas has always stemmed from bringing family and friends together, from setting aside work to an extent no other time — not even vacation — can afford in the 21st century. At church and trudging through the snow to visit old neighbors, the calm of reaching home after the chaos of holiday travel. When we sit down together for the last time for the foreseeable months, and when we watch the unbridled joy of a child tearing at ribbons and tape, his or her eyes growing wide — these are the moments we love about this time of year, and everything else should be left behind.

Brian Till, one of the nation's youngest syndicated columnists, is a research fellow for the New America Foundation, a think tank in Washington. He can be contacted at till@newamerica.net. To find out more about the author and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.