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Ben Shapiro
16 Apr 2014
Why Conservatives Win Elections and Lose the War

On April 1, 2014, President Barack Obama triumphantly announced that 7.1 million Americans had selected a … Read More.

9 Apr 2014
The Rise of American Totalitarianism

Last Thursday, Mozilla, the company that's home to the web browser Firefox, forced the resignation of CEO … Read More.

2 Apr 2014
Why Hillary Clinton Will Win in 2016

On Tuesday, House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan, R-Wis., presented his 2015 budget proposal. The Senate … Read More.

Why I'm Voting Democrat

Comment

A new video on YouTube is taking the Internet by storm. Entitled "I'm Voting Republican," the satirical clip depicts actors playing conservative Americans of all shapes and sizes explaining why they would vote for the GOP.

"Arnold Jones" says he's voting Republican because "all other countries are inferior to us" — and his wife, "Trudy Jones," adds, "and we should start as many wars as we need to keep it that way." A soldier in Iraq states that he's voting Republican "so I can stay in Iraq" — and a young boy, labeled "future draftee," points a fake gun at the camera and smiles while saying "so I can go to Iran!"

A black couple says they're voting Republican because they "like a conservative majority on the Supreme Court," with the wife noting, "we really like knowing that even if we're separate, we'll still be called equal."

This insulting nonsense is precisely what liberals think of conservatives: We're all warmongers, racists, environmental rapists and secret emissaries of big corporations. We're going to reinstitute the draft, start a war with Canada and then relocate African-Americans to Quebec.

This sort of tripe should be dismissed out of hand. In the spirit of evenhandedness and fair play, however, I feel it my duty to explain why I'm going to vote Democrat.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe that the best strategy in war is defeat. It broadens the mind to learn Japanese, German and Arabic. Talk about multiculturalism!

I'm voting Democrat because I'm mad that George W. Bush hasn't caught Bin Laden. That's because Bin Laden is the only Islamic terrorist in the world.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe that if I don't have enough money, the solution is for the government to take more of my money. Who needs money when gas is $5 per gallon?

I'm voting Democrat because I believe that the ideal family is two homosexual bonobos, a goat and a parrot raising a human baby. Love and compassion is all it takes to make a successful family!

I'm voting Democrat because it's my body, and if I want to kill my baby, I'll do it, even if its head is in the birth canal.

If I want to cut out my intestines and feed them to the crocodiles, I'll do that too. That's the freedom our forefathers enshrined in the Constitution.

I'm voting Democrat because our enemies on the battlefield deserve comfy hotel rooms, Pay-Per-View, prostitutes and all the benefits of American citizenship.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe we need other countries' permission for me to turn down my thermostat.

I'm voting Democrat because I care about the real victims of crime — criminals.

I'm voting Democrat because the real cure for racism includes preferential policies based on race — particularly in presidential voting. If you believe that a black candidate ought to be qualified, as well as black, you're worse than Bull Conner.

I'm voting Democrat because everyone deserves crappy healthcare. Sure, you'll have to wait years for that life-saving cancer surgery. But it's first come, first served at the cemetery!

I'm voting Democrat because I believe in minority rights (except in Muslim countries), free speech (with regard to pornography but not conservative talk radio), environmentalism (unless we're talking about Al Gore's house) and diplomacy (but never backed by the threat of military force).

I'm voting Democrat because I like the words "hope" and "change." Also "kazoo." That's a funny word.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe that America's founders were rich, white, greedy xenophobes, and that America's founding principles are hogwash requiring periodic editing from an unelected group of liberal judges.

Most of all, I'm voting Democrat because I like the ideas they have over in France, but I don't feel like moving there. I'll threaten to move, but I really won't. After all, I have a good job, healthcare, lower taxes, free speech and a social framework that promotes family structure. And all of it is defended by the most effective fighting force on the planet.

If only the institution of far-left values resulted in a great country. Oh, well. That won't stop me from voting Democrat, though. After all, I'm voting Democrat because thought isn't one of my strong suits.

Ben Shapiro, 23, is a graduate of UCLA and Harvard Law School. He is the author of the new book "Project President: Bad Hair and Botox on the Road to the White House," as well as the national bestseller "Brainwashed: How Universities Indoctrinate America's Youth." To find out more about Ben Shapiro and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2008 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.



Comments

5 Comments | Post Comment
Ben --
With regard to the presidential candidate being black AND qualified, can you explain to me how George W. Bush or Ronald Reagan ever got elected? Neither were "qualified" when the criticism applied to Barack Obama is applied to them. Though I dare say Ronald Reagan put Bush to shame in terms of effectiveness.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Debora Beverly
Wed Jun 18, 2008 6:43 AM
Ben,

Satire and irony only work when the premise is truthful.

Defeatism, Franco-phobia etcetera are name calling and tongue wagging, not funny and even pitiful.

Leave it to the experts like Stewart and Colbert. They survive, even thrive as satirists off the real joke "Fox News" and that ilk.

Comment: #2
Posted by: Hurley Wilbourne
Fri Jun 20, 2008 8:45 AM
Ben,
Derivative usually isn't that funny, a point you've proven...again. Hope you haven't burned that bridge back to your high school paper.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Robert Conner
Fri Jun 20, 2008 3:34 PM
Unnecessary roughness, foul. You're right there with 'em.
This country, this planet is in a dark time and bashing just seems to be acceptable. I am sick and tired of it.
Comment: #4
Posted by: liz
Fri Jun 20, 2008 3:35 PM
Ben, take off your blinders and look around: We face urgent problems in this world such as overpopulation (human) and all the attending side effects. Why don't you spend your life energy working on some real problems, instead of aiming to become just another famous big mouth, hiding behind his political Ray Bans?
Comment: #5
Posted by: Debra
Sat Jun 21, 2008 1:14 AM
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