Tiger Quits Golf; Will Become Politician Ensign, Sanford Applaud MoveORLANDO (The Borowitz Report) -- In a development that rocked the worlds of sports and politics, golf superstar Tiger Woods announced that he was hanging up his clubs to become a politician. "After days of refusing to speak to the media about suspicious aspects of my personal life, I have proved to myself that I am qualified for a career in politics," Woods told reporters in Orlando.
His stunning decision immediately drew praise from such disparate politicians as Gov.
"Tiger Woods has not yet revealed what his party affiliation will be, but based on what I've seen, he has what it takes to be a Republican," Sen. Ensign said. Palin Looking Forward To Reading Her Book 'Looks Like a Page-Turner,' Says Former Guv NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) -- Amid the publicity blitz for her new book, "Going Rogue," former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin said that she "was looking forward to reading it, big time." The book has already been a publishing sensation, rocketing to No. 1 one on The New York Times bestseller list for fiction. Palin said the book caught her interest as she was promoting it on "Oprah." "From everything I've said about it, it sure seems to be a page-turner," she said. "As soon as I'm off this book tour, I can't wait to sink my teeth into it." Former Miss California Carrie Prejean echoed Palin's sentiments: "I am also looking forward to reading my book." Elsewhere, President Obama suffered a setback today when China rebuffed the United States' offer to sell California. Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the book "The Republican Playbook." To find out more about Andy Borowitz and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
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