Three Things To Do When Clarence Thomas' Wife Calls You

New York (The Borowitz Report) — Like many Americans, over the past several years I have been the recipient of multiple unwelcome voicemails from the wife of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. These calls have come in the middle of the night, at the crack of dawn, even at the dinner hour favored by telemarketers. Regardless of the time of day, all of these voicemails have one thing in common: She always sounds like she's drunk-dialing me, except she appears to be completely sober.

I know what you're saying: "It'll never happen to me. Virginia Thomas doesn't even have my phone number!" Well, that's what I thought, and several years of trauma counseling later, I've come to realize (the hard way) what a fool's paradise I was living in.

Consider this: According to a recent study, the odds of Virginia Thomas leaving a threatening voicemail for you are higher than those of Christine O'Donnell correctly identifying the First Amendment. With those grim statistics in mind, here are three simple steps you can take if and when Mrs. Clarence Thomas calls:

1. Start apologizing the moment you hear her voice.

Remember, like a bear at a campsite, Virginia Thomas does not want to eat you. She's only after your food, and in this case, your apology is the only thing protecting you from Mrs. Thomas mauling you to death. If apologizing does not work, clap your hands loudly into the receiver in the hopes of scaring her away.

2. When she says, "This is Virginia Thomas," reply, "No, this is Virginia Thomas. Who's calling? Wait a minute — is that you, Anita Hill?" When she denies being Anita Hill (and she will), say, "There you go again, with your infernal lies. This is like Clarence's confirmation hearings all over again. You disgust me, Anita Hill." With any luck, accusing her of being Anita Hill will disorient her long enough for you to summon help.

3. Get in the habit of answering your phone, "Long Dong Silver residence."

One final note: If you get a call in the middle of the night and there is silence on the other end, that is not Virginia Thomas. That is Clarence Thomas.

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the book "The Republican Playbook." To find out more about Andy Borowitz and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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