creators.com opinion web
Liberal Opinion Conservative Opinion
Andy Borowitz
Andy Borowitz
19 Mar 2011
Afraid To Watch the News, Millions Turn to Fox

Afraid To Watch the News, Millions Turn to Fox NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) — With unprecedented … Read More.

12 Mar 2011
Etch A Sketch 2 Takes Gadget World by Storm

LONG BEACH, CA (The Borowitz Report) — A new combatant entered the so-called tablet war today, and it's … Read More.

5 Mar 2011
Unemployment Rose Last Week by Two and a Half Men

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — The economic recovery received an unexpected jolt today as the Labor … Read More.

Somali Pirates Refuse To Board Carnival Cruise Ships

Comment

MOGADISHU (The Borowitz Report) — In yet another public relations setback for the beleaguered cruise ship company, Somali pirates today said they would no longer board Carnival Cruise ships, citing "unsafe working conditions."

__"If Carnival thinks that it's going to be business as usual between them and the Somali pirates, they need to have their heads examined," said Somali pirate spokesman Sugule. "We Somali pirates may be bold, but we're not crazy."__

The pirate said that the recent fire that crippled the giant cruise ship Carnival Splendor "has sent a shiver through the pirate community."__

"We Somali pirates face enough risks without dealing with decks bursting into flames," he said. "And don't get me started on the nonfunctioning toilets."__

When asked if the Somali pirates might attempt to board Carnival ships in the future, he responded, "I am telling me hearties that if they were thinking of pillaging a Carnival ship of its booty over the holidays, they should make alternative plans."__

Carol Foyler, a spokesperson for Carnival Cruises, said that the company "would be working overtime to win back the pirates' trust."__ In the meantime, Foyler said, Carnival would be unveiling a new slogan in the weeks to come: "Come for the fun, stay for the raging inferno."

Bush Publishes 'I Can Has Prezidensy'

The Borowitz Report has obtained an advance copy of former President George W.

Bush's memoir, entitled "I Can Has Prezidensy." Here are some highlights:

— The book contains a "Where's Waldo?" foldout section with WMDs.__

— Bush says the biggest disappointment of his eight years in office was learning there was no Santa Claus.

— The book's appendix includes a series of connect-the-dot drawings Bush was unable to complete.

__— Bush on the unfinished business of his presidency: "I never did learn how that neat story about the goat ended."__

— Bush's memoir is a quick read, since 95 percent of it has been redacted by Dick Cheney.

__— Six months after the book's publication, there will be an English-language version.

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the book "The Republican Playbook." To find out more about Andy Borowitz and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2010 CREATORS SYNDICATE



Comments

0 Comments | Post Comment
Already have an account? Log in.
New Account  
Your Name:
Your E-mail:
Your Password:
Confirm Your Password:

Please allow a few minutes for your comment to be posted.

Enter the numbers to the right:  
Creators.com comments policy
More
Andy Borowitz
Mar. `11
Su Mo Tu We Th Fr Sa
27 28 1 2 3 4 5
6 7 8 9 10 11 12
13 14 15 16 17 18 19
20 21 22 23 24 25 26
27 28 29 30 31 1 2
About the author About the author
Write the author Write the author
Printer friendly format Printer friendly format
Email to friend Email to friend
View by Month
Froma Harrop
Froma HarropUpdated 27 Nov 2014
Betsy McCaughey
Betsy McCaugheyUpdated 26 Nov 2014
Brent Bozell

7 Apr 2007 Scientists Study Memory Loss Among Politicians

20 Nov 2010 Best Plagiarized Lines from Bush's Book

26 Feb 2011 State Department Offers Support 'to Whoever Winds Up Winning'