Seventy Percent of Existing Marriages May Already Be GayMINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report) — Just hours after a federal judge struck down California's ban on gay marriage, a new study revealed that well over 70 percent of existing marriages may already be gay. The study, conducted by Dr. Davis Logsdon of the Marital Behavior Institute at the University of Minnesota, confirmed what many social scientists have long suspected: that within the first five years of marriage, most men become, for all intents and purposes, gay. "Soon after marrying, most men stop hitting on women and start shopping for furniture," Logsdon said. "Scientifically speaking, how gay is that?" Within 10 years of marriage, he added, a significant number of married men stop having sex with women altogether. "There's only one way to describe someone who does not have sex with women, does not hit on women and spends his free time shopping for furniture," he said. "That word, to be scientific about it, is gay." In Month Before Labor Day, Pointless 'Filler' Columns Abound NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) — In a phenomenon that occurs every year in the month before Labor Day, national columnists across America file pointless, content-free "filler" columns, enabling the lazy scribes to hit the beach earlier, according to observers who have been following this trend. The "filler" columns are churned out in a matter of minutes with no loftier goal than meeting a deadline and filling up space — meaning that columnists will often resort to using the same words or phrases again and again and again and again and again.
__"They'll often quote people you've never heard of," says Harold Crimmins, an expert in the field of filler columns. "It's pretty shameless."__ The typical "filler" column is often a reprint of a previously published column, but the writer will later plug in one cursory reference to current events, such as Chelsea Clinton's wedding, to disguise this fact. And in order to fill up space even faster, Crimmins says, the lazy beach-bound columnist will compose his summer "filler" columns with short paragraphs. Many of these paragraphs will be as short as one sentence, he says.__ "Or shorter," he adds. There are other telltale signs a reader can look for in order to determine whether a writer has, in fact, filed a so-called "filler" column, according to Crimmins. One of these is a tendency to repeat information that the reader has already read earlier in the article, with columnists even stooping to using the same quote twice. __"They'll often quote people you've never heard of," Crimmins says. Another tip-off is if the column ends abruptly. Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the book "The Republican Playbook." To find out more about Andy Borowitz and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com. COPYRIGHT 2010 CREATORS SYNDICATE
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