Poll: Majority Favor Earlier Bedtime for McCain

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — In the wake of several cranky public utterances by Arizona's senior senator in recent days, a new poll shows that a majority of Americans favor an earlier bedtime for John McCain. Fifty-two percent of those surveyed strongly agreed with the statement, "When John McCain says he doesn't want to serve in the Senate even though he is running for re-election, it makes me think he missed his nap."

??When asked which other public figures appear to be staying up past their bedtimes, 41 percent named Newsweek's Howard Fineman. Respondents strongly agreed with the statement, "When Howard Fineman starts going on about how Barack Obama is like a Kenyan long-distance runner, it makes me think he should already be in his pajamas."

??In other news, Vice President Joe Biden said he regretted his most recent caught-on-mic comment, "John Boehner can bite my big fat throbbing cock."

Teabaggers' New Protest: "No Government Takeover of Congress";

Congress "No Place for Voting," Protesters Say

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — Just hours after the historic vote on health care reform, the Tea Party movement has taken up a new battle cry, protesting what they believe is a "government takeover of Congress."??

Thousands of self-styled Teabaggers marched on the Capitol today to make the point that, in the words of one of their number, "Voting has no place in Congress."

??"Our forefathers designed Congress to be a place where people talked and talked and never got anything done," said Teabagger Tracy Klugian.

"This whole voting thing that happened on Sunday was tantamount to a government takeover of Congress."?? He said the Teabaggers "would continue protesting until Congress stopped passing laws and got back to the business of being Congress."

??The protest march began at the Capitol and then moved to the U.S. Postal Service, where the Teabaggers protested a government takeover of mail.

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the book "The Republican Playbook." To find out more about Andy Borowitz and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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