Millions Watch Rich Guy Get New Job

GREENWICH, CT (The Borowitz Report) — Millions of Americans huddled around their televisions Thursday night, transfixed by the spectacle of an incredibly wealthy man getting a new job. In living rooms, bars and restaurants across the country, a record audience gathered to watch the rich guy announce who would be signing his massive new paychecks.

In New York's Times Square, Tracy Klugian, 27, was one of thousands who braved the blistering temperature to watch the multimillionaire reveal the location of his new employer. "I wouldn't have missed this for anything," Klugian said. "For anyone who considers himself a fan of the rich getting richer, this was must-see TV."

__Based on the record ratings for its special featuring the rich guy, ESPN announced that instead of airing NBA games, it would schedule two-hour specials showing the rich guy cashing his ginormous paychecks.

BP Says Oil in Gulf Must Be Changed Every Six Months

GULF OF MEXICO (The Borowitz Report) — At a time when many thought that news out of the Gulf of Mexico couldn't get any worse, BP announced today that the oil in the Gulf needs to be changed every six months.

__"The oil will need to be changed every six months or every 15,000 lies," said the BP spokesman. "Whatever comes sooner."

The announcement about the oil change came on the heels of BP's decision earlier in the week to separate the Gulf into two sections, full-serve and self-serve. Sensing that the company was staring down a deepening public relations disaster, BP CEO Tony Hayward attempted to sound a compassionate note: "If this sort of damage were being inflicted on my yacht, I would be devastated."__

According to experts, the BP oil spill is now the second-worst leak in U.S. history, after Michael Steele's mouth.

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the book "The Republican Playbook." To find out more about Andy Borowitz and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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