Goldman's Massive Bonuses 'Totally Deserved,' Says Satan

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) — The gargantuan year-end bonuses paid out to Goldman Sachs executives have received howls of protests from the banking giant's legion of critics, but not from its most ardent defender: Satan.

In a rare press conference, the usually reclusive Prince of Darkness defended Goldman's bonuses today, welcoming reporters at his apartment in New York's Trump Tower. "I don't doubt for a minute that my friends at Goldman deserved those bonuses," Satan said, adding that "buying their souls was the best investment I ever made."

"It really is the gift that keeps on giving," he chuckled.

The Evil One said that the bloated Goldman bonuses were "just the cherry on top" of what has been "one of my best years ever."

"From Mel Gibson to Tony Hayward to the gang at Goldman, 2010 has had more than its share of heroes," he said. "I salute them all." Satan added that his banner year was even going out with a bang: "Just when I thought this year couldn't get any better, this weekend I saw Yogi Bear."

The Lord of Misrule said he was looking forward to the holiday season, a time when some of "the greatest evil against humanity" is perpetrated: "Every time someone puts on a Christmas sweater, I give myself a high five."

Elsewhere, President Obama praised the New York Giants for compromising with the Philadelphia Eagles.

In Controversial Decision, Time Magazine Calls Mark Zuckerberg a Person

The editors of Time ignited a firestorm of controversy today by being the first people ever to call Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg a person.

The decision to call the robot-like Internet titan a person raised eyebrows from Silicon Valley to Wall Street, forcing Time spokesperson Carol Foyler to acknowledge, "This wasn't an easy call."

Just hours after Time published its issue designating Zuckerberg a person, a protest group of more than ten thousand people who had been screwed over by Zuckerberg marched on the magazine's Manhattan offices, led by twins Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss, made famous in the movie "The Social Network."

"If Mark Zuckerberg is a person, then we're the Jonas Brothers," said the Winklevi.

Elsewhere, WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange said he wasn't surprised that filmmaker Michael Moore posted bail for him: "I recognized his MasterCard number."

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the book "The Republican Playbook." To find out more about Andy Borowitz and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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