Experts Propose Plugging Oil Leak with BP Executives

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — At a conference of oil leak experts in Washington today, attendees proposed plugging the massive oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico with executives of BP, the company responsible for the catastrophic spill.

"We've tried containment domes, rubber tires and even golf balls," said William Cathermeyer of the National Oil Leakage Institute, a leading consultancy in the field of oil leaks. "Now it's time to shove some BP executives down there and hope for the best."__

Submerging the oil company executives thousands of feet below the ocean's surface could be a "win-win" situation, Cathermeyer said. "Best-case scenario, they plug the leak," he said. "And at the very least, they'll shut the fuck up."__

But even as the oil leak experts proposed their unorthodox solution, environmental expert Marilyn Sufranski warned of the possible negative consequences of plugging the oil leak with BP executives. __"The Gulf of Mexico is slimy enough already," she said.

Poll: Rand Paul Surges Ahead of Palin Among Voters Who Describe Themselves as Morons; Key Constituency for Two Hopefuls

MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report) — In a sign of his increasing prominence in the so-called tea party movement, a new poll shows Kentucky senatorial candidate Rand Paul topping former Alaska Gov.

Sarah Palin among voters who describe themselves as morons.

In the poll, conducted by the University of Minnesota's Opinion Research Institute, 42 percent preferred Paul, 36 percent preferred Palin, and the remaining 22 percent were unsure what the word "prefer" meant.

According to Davis Logsdon, who supervised the poll for the University of Minnesota, Paul's surging popularity among morons is bad news for Palin, who previously had a lock on that important constituency. "I never thought I'd say this, but if Palin is going to stay competitive with Paul, she's going to have to start dumbing down her message.

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the book "The Republican Playbook." To find out more about Andy Borowitz and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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