Senate Unveils CompromiseCare™; Details of Health Care Plan Revealed

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) -- The United States Senate today unveiled details of its health care plan, tentatively called CompromiseCare™:
    -- Under CompromiseCare™, people with no coverage will be allowed to keep their current plan.
    -- Medicare will be extended to 55-year-olds as soon as they turn 65.
    -- You will have access to cheap Canadian drugs if you live in Canada.
    -- States whose names contain vowels will be allowed to opt out of the plan.
    -- You get to choose which doctor you cannot afford to see.
    -- You will not have to be pre-certified to qualify for cremation.
    -- A patient will be considered "pre-existing" if he or she already exists.
    -- You'll be free to choose between medications and heating fuel.
    -- Patients can access quality health care if they can prove their name is "Lieberman."
    -- You will have access to natural remedies, such as death.

Obama Gives Hanukkah Wishes in Hebrew;
Birthers Now Claim He Was Born in Israel

    WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) -- President Barack Obama's decision to wish Jews around the world a happy Hanukkah in Hebrew has added more fuel to the movement of the so-called Birthers, who now claim that Obama was born in Israel.
    Orly Taitz, a leading Birther spokesperson, told CNN today that she had in her possession a birth certificate for Obama that was issued in Tel Aviv.
    "If you look at the birth certificate, you will see the name he was born with, Baruch Shmobama," she said.
    In other news, the president announced that he would clinch a second Nobel Peace Prize by invading Iran.
    Announcing the invasion in a televised address, the president told the nation, "Now comes the hard part: writing my acceptance speech."
    Obama said that if his quest for a second Nobel is successful, he would bomb North Korea.
    "I have just one word for you," he said. "Three-peat."
    Elsewhere, singing sensation Susan Boyle stunned the world by revealing that she had a steamy affair with Tiger Woods.
    Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the book "The Republican Playbook." To find out more about Andy Borowitz and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
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