Andy Borowitz, November 1

After the success of Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama's 30-minute infomercial Thursday night, the Obama campaign has confirmed that he will produce another one, this time to unveil a new breakthrough in exercise technology that will guarantee all Americans "sexy, rock-hard abs."

While most political insiders suspected that Sen. Obama would use costly airtime once again in an attempt to "close the deal" with the American people, few expected him to promise a sculpted midsection as the keystone of his dedication to serving the nation.

"This is an issue that cuts across all voting blocs — Democrats, Republicans, independents, you name it," said Obama strategist David Axelrod. "Everyone wants well-defined, shredded abs."

In a clip of the infomercial released to the press, Sen. Obama appears in spandex exercise wear and demonstrates his ab-sculpting machine, called the "Obamaciser."

"America, you're probably asking yourselves, 'Can we really have rock-hard abs?'" Sen.

Obama says. "Repeat after me: Yes we can."

As Sen. Obama prepares to unveil his revolutionary ab-blasting system, the McCain campaign remains rocked by reports that a top adviser to John McCain referred to McCain's running mate, Alaska governor Sarah Palin, as "a psycho sleazebag." The controversial comment came one day after a top Palin adviser compared Sen. McCain to "the corpse in 'Weekend at Bernie's,' only less lively."

Sen. McCain tried to draw attention away from the internecine brouhaha today by announcing that if elected, he would name Joe the Plumber Secretary of State.

"Joe the Plumber is eminently qualified," Sen. McCain told a crowd in Toledo, Ohio. "A hell of a lot more qualified than that psycho sleazebag."

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the book "The Republican Playbook." To find out more about Andy Borowitz and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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