Bush Names Wolfowitz President of al-Qaeda

In a bold move to undermine the international terror network, President George W. Bush today named former deputy defense secretary and World Bank president Paul Wolfowitz to be the new president of al Qaeda.

Mr. Wolfowitz, who has no experience running an international terror organization, struck many Washington insiders as an unlikely choice for the al-Qaeda job.

But in a White House ceremony introducing his nominee for the top terror post, President Bush indicated that Mr. Wolfowitz's role in planning the war in Iraq and bringing scandal to the World Bank showed that he was "just the man" to bring chaos and disorder to al-Qaeda.

"I've seen Paul Wolfowitz in action," said Mr. Bush, a beaming Mr. Wolfowitz at his side. "If anyone can mess up al Qaeda, it's this guy."

Several key details in the president's plan still need to be worked out, such as how exactly Mr. Wolfowitz will infiltrate al Qaeda and rise to the top position in its ranks.

"Al Qaeda closely screens all of its top officers," said Hassan El-Medfaii, head of the terror network's human resources department.

"It's not like the Defense Department or the World Bank."

Even if he ascends to its top post, it remains to be seen whether Mr. Wolfowitz will be happy at al Qaeda, according to Professor Davis Logsdon, chairman of the Wolfowitz Studies Department at the University of Minnesota.

"Al Qaeda is not like the World Bank," Professor Logsdon said. "For one thing, it's much harder to meet girls there."

Elsewhere, former Creed lead singer Scott Stapp was released from jail, raising fears that he might start recording again.

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the new book "The Republican Playbook," to be published October 2007. To find out more about Andy Borowitz and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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