Andy Borowitz from Creators Syndicate

Obama Releases List of Approved Jokes About Himself for 07/19/2008

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Bid to Help Late Night Comics

Saying he is "sympathetic to late night comedians' struggle to find jokes to make about me," Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) today issued a list of official campaign-approved Barack Obama jokes.

The five jokes, which Sen. Obama said he is making available to all comedians free of charge, are as follows:

Barack Obama and a kangaroo ...

Updated: Sat Jul 19, 2008

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McCain Makes Historic First Visit to Internet for 07/26/2008

Sat, 26 Jul 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Will Spend Five Days at Key Sites

In a daring bid to wrench attention from his Democratic rival in the 2008 presidential race, Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) today embarked on a historic first-ever visit to the Internet.

Given that the Arizona Republican had never logged onto the Internet before, advisers acknowledged that his first foray into the World Wide Web was frau ...

Updated: Sat Jul 26, 2008

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Obama Leads McCain in Frequent Flyer Miles for 08/02/2008

Sat, 02 Aug 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Could Qualify For Free Trip to Maui, Aides Say

In what some political insiders are calling a major victory for the presumptive Democratic nominee, Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) easily surpassed his GOP rival, Sen. John McCain, in total frequent flyer miles for the month of July.

While polls show the two candidates locked in a close electoral race, Sen. Obama's impressive freq ...

Updated: Sat Aug 02, 2008

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Britney, Paris Air Savage Anti-McCain Ad for 08/09/2008

Sat, 09 Aug 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Just days after Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) broadcast an anti-Obama ad in which he compared the presumptive Democratic nominee to celebrities Paris Hilton and Britney Spears, the two tabloid mainstays fought back with an eviscerating anti-McCain spot of their own.

While Spears and Hilton said they had planned to remain on the sidelines during the 2008 presidential campaign, Sen. McCain's ...

Updated: Sat Aug 09, 2008

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Athlete Without Compelling Personal Drama Expelled from Olympics for 08/16/2008

Sat, 16 Aug 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Diver Hid Details of Intact Family

A member of the U.S. Olympic diving team was disqualified from competition today when it was learned that he did not have a sufficiently compelling human storyline to exploit on the NBC telecast of the worldwide sporting event.

Tracy Klujian, the expelled diver, was not raised by a single mother, never had a career-threatening injury, and ...

Updated: Sat Aug 16, 2008

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China's Gold Medals Found to Have High Lead Content for 08/23/2008

Sat, 23 Aug 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Phelps Warned Not to Lick Medals

China's impressive haul of gold medals at the Beijing Olympics was tarnished somewhat today when it was revealed that "abnormally high levels of lead" were found in the first-place medallions.

The medals, which were supposed to be made entirely of gold, were instead found to be composed of 99 percent lead alloy and coated with a g ...

Updated: Sat Aug 23, 2008

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In Week Before Labor Day, Pointless "Filler" Columns Abound for 08/30/2008

Sat, 30 Aug 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Lazy Columnists Pad Out Stories by Quoting Experts, Experts Say

In a phenomenon that occurs every year in the week before Labor Day, national columnists across America are filing pointless, content-free "filler" columns, enabling the lazy scribes to hit the beach earlier, according to observers who have been following this trend.

The "filler" columns ar ...

Updated: Sat Aug 30, 2008

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Poll: Obama Faring Poorly Among Racists for 09/06/2008

Sat, 06 Sep 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Bigots Oppose Barack by 1,000-to-1 Margin

In a potentially ominous sign for the Democratic nominee, a new poll shows Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) trailing far behind GOP standard bearer Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) among voters who identify themselves as racists.

Pundits and pollsters alike have wondered about the role racists might play in the 2008 presidential contest, but t ...

Updated: Sat Sep 06, 2008

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Pit Bull Owners Blast Palin for 09/13/2008

Sat, 13 Sep 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Comparison "Offensive," Dog Fanciers Complain

Alaska governor Sarah Palin, who famously compared herself to a pit bull in her vice-presidential acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention, appears to have antagonized a key voting bloc in the upcoming election, the nation's pit bull owners.

While Gov. Palin's assertion that the only difference between ...

Updated: Sat Sep 13, 2008

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Palin Uses Magic 8-Ball in ABC Interview for 09/20/2008

Sat, 20 Sep 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Offers Three Answers to Eighty Questions

GOP vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin said today that she was "delighted" with her performance in a much-publicized ABC News interview with Charlie Gibson and gave credit to her "trusty Magic 8-Ball" for helping her come up with answers to "some darn tricky questions."

"Charlie brought his A-ga ...

Updated: Sat Sep 20, 2008

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McCain Attacks Washington, Republicans, Old White Men with White Hair for 09/27/2008

Sat, 27 Sep 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Most Ironic Speech to Date, Experts Say

In what some political observers are calling his most ironic speech of the 2008 campaign, GOP presidential nominee John McCain today lashed out at Washington, the Republican Party and a group of insiders he called "old white men with white hair."

"It's time to take our country back," Sen. McCain told his audience ...

Updated: Sat Sep 27, 2008

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McCain Replaces Palin with Startled Deer for 10/04/2008

Sat, 04 Oct 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Hoofed Running Mate Could Be Game-Changer

With less than a week to go before the crucial vice-presidential debate, GOP presidential nominee John McCain announced today that he was replacing his running mate, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, with a startled deer.

According to campaign insiders, the decision to select a hoofed mammal to replace Gov. Palin evolved after Sen. McCain w ...

Updated: Sat Oct 04, 2008

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Palin Blasts Obama's Ties to Weather Channel for 10/11/2008

Sat, 11 Oct 2008 00:00:00 -0700

"Palling Around with Meteorologists," Guv Claims

Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin went on the attack today, claiming that Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama has longstanding ties to The Weather Channel.

"What does it say about our opponent that he thinks this nation's weather is so imperfect that he needs to be allied with The Weather Channel?" she ask ...

Updated: Sat Oct 11, 2008

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McCain Holds Auditions for Angry Mob for 10/18/2008

Sat, 18 Oct 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Open Casting Call for Irate White People

With just three weeks to go until Election Day, the McCain campaign has launched a nationwide talent search to find angry audience members for their increasingly hate-filled rallies, McCain aides confirmed today.

"People assume that when we hold a rally, angry white people just magically appear, but that's not the case," s ...

Updated: Sat Oct 18, 2008

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Andy Borowitz, November 1 for 11/01/2008

Sat, 01 Nov 2008 00:00:00 -0700

After the success of Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama's 30-minute infomercial Thursday night, the Obama campaign has confirmed that he will produce another one, this time to unveil a new breakthrough in exercise technology that will guarantee all Americans "sexy, rock-hard abs."

While most political insiders suspected that Sen. Obama would use costly airtime once ag ...

Updated: Sat Nov 01, 2008

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Failure to Blow Election Stuns Democratic Party Faithful Mourn End to Losing Tradition for 11/08/2008

Sat, 08 Nov 2008 00:00:00 -0800

Just minutes after their party's longstanding losing tradition lay in tatters on the ground, millions of shell-shocked Democrats stared at their television screens in disbelief, asking themselves what went right.

For Democrats, who have become accustomed to their party blowing an election even when it seemed like a sure thing, Tuesday night's results were a bitter pill to swallow. The head-sha ...

Updated: Sat Nov 08, 2008

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Obama's Use of Complete Sentences Stirs Controversy Stunning Break from Last Eight Years for 11/22/2008

Sat, 22 Nov 2008 00:00:00 -0800

In the first two weeks after the election, President-elect Barack Obama has broken with a tradition established over the last eight years through his controversial use of complete sentences, political observers say.

Millions of Americans who watched Mr. Obama's appearance on CBS's "Sixty Minutes" on Sunday witnessed the president-elect's unorthodox verbal tic, which had Mr. Obama emp ...

Updated: Sat Nov 22, 2008

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Angry Kucinich Reminds Obama He Was Rival Makes Hail Mary Bid for Postmaster General for 12/12/2008

Fri, 12 Dec 2008 00:00:00 -0800

As president-elect Barack Obama continues to assemble his "team of rivals" by filling Cabinet positions with former political opponents, he has drawn the ire of one self-styled rival who feels he has been unfairly overlooked: Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio).

Speaking to reporters in Washington today, a furious Mr. Kucinich said that it was "unfair and insane" for Mr. Obama to ...

Updated: Fri Dec 12, 2008

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Caroline Kennedy Asks to be Time's Person of the Year Places Phone Call to Magazine's Editor for 12/20/2008

Sat, 20 Dec 2008 00:00:00 -0800

Caroline Kennedy would like to be considered Time magazine's Person of the Year for 2009 and has let the magazine's editor know of her interest in the honor, aides to Ms. Kennedy confirmed this week.

While some observers considered Ms. Kennedy's bid to be premature, especially since 2009 has not officially begun, aides to the New York senatorial aspirant said that it reflected her view that 20 ...

Updated: Sat Dec 20, 2008

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Markets Crash on Pictures of Obama Losing Shirt Shirtless President-Elect Creates Crisis of Confidence for 12/27/2008

Sat, 27 Dec 2008 00:00:00 -0800

Global markets swooned this week in reaction to photos showing that President-elect Barack Obama had lost his shirt.

The pictures depicting a shirtless Mr. Obama wandering about on a deserted stretch of beach stoked fears that the United States' financial woes were deeper than previously reported.

"We have had a steady drumbeat of bad news about the U.S. economy for weeks now," ...

Updated: Sat Dec 27, 2008

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