Andy Borowitz from Creators Syndicate

Afraid To Watch the News, Millions Turn to Fox for 03/19/2011

Sat, 19 Mar 2011 00:00:00 -0700

Afraid To Watch the News, Millions Turn to Fox

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) — With unprecedented crises engulfing the world, millions of television viewers are finding the news too stressful to watch — and are turning to the Fox News Channel instead.

"Things are so bad in the world right now, many people are afraid to watch the news," says psycholog ...

Updated: Sat Mar 19, 2011

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Etch A Sketch 2 Takes Gadget World by Storm for 03/12/2011

Sat, 12 Mar 2011 00:00:00 -0800

LONG BEACH, CA (The Borowitz Report) — A new combatant entered the so-called tablet war today, and it's already getting a big thumbs-up from gadget aficionados: the Etch A Sketch 2.

The E2, as it's called, looks very similar to its predecessor, but in the words of the company spokesman who unveiled it at the TED conference in Long Beach, "This is not your father's Etch A Sketc ...

Updated: Sat Mar 12, 2011

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Unemployment Rose Last Week by Two and a Half Men for 03/05/2011

Sat, 05 Mar 2011 00:00:00 -0800

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — The economic recovery received an unexpected jolt today as the Labor Department announced that unemployment increased last week by two and a half men.

The 2.5 jobs were lost in the Los Angeles, Calif., area and are "gone forever," a Labor Department spokesman said in a surprisingly downbeat assessment.

But in a possible boost for ...

Updated: Sat Mar 05, 2011

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State Department Offers Support 'to Whoever Winds Up Winning' for 02/26/2011

Sat, 26 Feb 2011 00:00:00 -0800

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — As pro-democracy protests spread around the world, the U.S. State Department issued its strongest words to date about the situation, offering "to stand by whichever side winds up winning."

That pro-winning-side message, articulated today by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, was intended to send a clear signal that the United States is ...

Updated: Sat Feb 26, 2011

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Ahmadinejad Promises Democratic Reforms in Egypt for 02/19/2011

Sat, 19 Feb 2011 00:00:00 -0800

TEHRAN (The Borowitz Report) — In a dramatic address to pro-democracy protesters in Tehran, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad promised the people of Iran that there would soon be democratic reforms in Egypt.

"Your call for democratic freedoms has been heard loud and clear," Ahmadinejad told the protesters. "And soon, they will be instituted in Egypt, where you ca ...

Updated: Sat Feb 19, 2011

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Republicans Cut Shirts from Budget for 02/12/2011

Sat, 12 Feb 2011 00:00:00 -0800

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — In an effort to show that they are serious about reducing the size of the federal deficit, a group of House Republicans announced today that they would totally eliminate shirts from this year's congressional budget.

The lawmakers, who call themselves the Shirtless Republicans and are led by Rep. Christopher Lee, R-N.Y., appeared in the Capitol rot ...

Updated: Sat Feb 12, 2011

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Obama Says He Will Resend Message to Mubarak, This Time in All Caps for 02/05/2011

Sat, 05 Feb 2011 00:00:00 -0800

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — Concerned that Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak did not receive his message to begin a peaceful transition to democratic reforms, President Barack Obama said today that he would resend the message, "but this time in all caps."

Obama said that while he hoped sending a capitalized version of the message would be effective, "we have a ...

Updated: Sat Feb 05, 2011

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Michele Bachmann Proposes "Don't Add, Don't Spell" for 01/29/2011

Sat, 29 Jan 2011 00:00:00 -0800

MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report) — In her official tea party response to President Obama's State of the Union address, Rep. Michele Bachmann, R-Minn., offered a bold new policy initiative she called "Don't Add, Don't Spell." Bachmann called the proposal "a reflection of core tea party values" and said it would "deliver the American people from the tyranny of arit ...

Updated: Sat Jan 29, 2011

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Hu Presents Obama with Counterfeit DVD of "Toy Story 3" for 01/22/2011

Sat, 22 Jan 2011 00:00:00 -0800

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — In a moving White House ceremony today, President Hu Jintao of China presented U.S. President Barack Obama with a counterfeit DVD of the Hollywood blockbuster "Toy Story 3."

Hu raised eyebrows at several points during his official speech, especially when he repeatedly addressed the American people as "my subjects." But the Chin ...

Updated: Sat Jan 22, 2011

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Fox News Reports No Link Between Matches, Gasoline and Fire for 01/15/2011

Sat, 15 Jan 2011 00:00:00 -0800

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) — The Fox News Channel today attempted to bust what it called a "mainstream media myth" by reporting that there was no link between matches, gasoline and fire.

"Gasoline and matches don't start fires," said Fox host Glenn Beck. "People start fires." Mr. Beck went on to say that there was no link between "oxygen, hydr ...

Updated: Sat Jan 15, 2011

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Apple Cancels Press Conference on iPhone Alarm Glitch after Steve Jobs Oversleeps for 01/08/2011

Sat, 08 Jan 2011 00:00:00 -0800

CUPERTINO (The Borowitz Report) — Apple, Inc. canceled a press conference today to address the glitch plaguing the iPhone's alarm function when company chief Steve Jobs failed to show.

"I totally overslept," Jobs later told reporters. "I've got to say this is really embarrassing."__

Apple's engineers have been working day and night to fix the problems wit ...

Updated: Sat Jan 08, 2011

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Pat Robertson: Snow Is God's Way of Punishing Americans Planning To Drive To Do Something Gay for 01/01/2011

Sat, 01 Jan 2011 00:00:00 -0800

VIRGINIA BEACH (The Borowitz Report) — Rev. Pat Robertson sparked controversy in today's broadcast of his "700 Club" program when he claimed that God created the blizzard currently battering the Northeast "to punish Americans who were planning to drive to do something gay."

__Explaining his theory, Robertson said, "Because of the bad road conditions the Alm ...

Updated: Sat Jan 01, 2011

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Goldman's Massive Bonuses 'Totally Deserved,' Says Satan for 12/25/2010

Sat, 25 Dec 2010 00:00:00 -0800

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) — The gargantuan year-end bonuses paid out to Goldman Sachs executives have received howls of protests from the banking giant's legion of critics, but not from its most ardent defender: Satan.

In a rare press conference, the usually reclusive Prince of Darkness defended Goldman's bonuses today, welcoming reporters at his apartment in New York's Trump ...

Updated: Sat Dec 25, 2010

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Julian Assange to Launch Social Network for Diplomats: Twofacebook for 12/18/2010

Sat, 18 Dec 2010 00:00:00 -0800

LONDON (The Borowitz Report) — Moments after being released on bail, WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange was already making plans for his next venture, a social network for diplomats called Twofacebook.

Assange said he came up with the idea for the new site while combing through hundreds of thousands of pages of WikiLeaks documents: "I realized that diplomats didn't have a way t ...

Updated: Sat Dec 18, 2010

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In Latest Compromise with GOP, Obama Agrees He is a Muslim for 12/11/2010

Sat, 11 Dec 2010 00:00:00 -0800

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — In his latest effort to find common ground with Republicans in Congress, President Barack Obama said today that he was willing to agree that he is a Muslim.

Differences over his religious orientation have been a sore point between the president and his Republican foes for the past two years, but in agreeing that he is a Muslim, Obama is sending a ...

Updated: Sat Dec 11, 2010

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U.S. Orders Diplomats To Stop Telling Truth Until Further Notice for 12/04/2010

Sat, 04 Dec 2010 00:00:00 -0800

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — In the first major policy fallout from the WikiLeaks disclosures, the State Department has ordered all U.S. diplomats to "cease and desist telling the truth until further notice."

__"We are working overtime to try to make sure that leaks like these don't happen again," Secretary of State Hillary Clinton told reporters. "Bu ...

Updated: Sat Dec 04, 2010

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Best Plagiarized Lines from Bush's Book for 11/20/2010

Sat, 20 Nov 2010 00:00:00 -0800

After it emerged that entire sections of George W. Bush's new memoir, "Decision Points," were plagiarized from books by former aides, The Borowitz Report asked our followers on Twitter to come up with the best plagiarized first line for the book.

After several hours of crowd-sourcing, here are the results (and thanks to the thousands of people who contributed):__

&mdash ...

Updated: Sat Nov 20, 2010

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Somali Pirates Refuse To Board Carnival Cruise Ships for 11/13/2010

Sat, 13 Nov 2010 00:00:00 -0800

MOGADISHU (The Borowitz Report) — In yet another public relations setback for the beleaguered cruise ship company, Somali pirates today said they would no longer board Carnival Cruise ships, citing "unsafe working conditions."

__"If Carnival thinks that it's going to be business as usual between them and the Somali pirates, they need to have their heads examined,&quo ...

Updated: Sat Nov 13, 2010

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Canada Reports Huge Jump in Immigration for 11/06/2010

Sat, 06 Nov 2010 00:00:00 -0700

OTTAWA (The Borowitz Report) — Canadian immigration officials have reported a huge increase in the number of requests for Canadian citizenship in the past 24 hours, with more than 55 million such inquiries pouring in since late Tuesday night. Of those 55 million requests, well over 99.99 percent of them came from U.S. citizens, with a particularly large number coming from residents of Flo ...

Updated: Sat Nov 06, 2010

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Most Powerful Man in America Meets with Obama for 10/30/2010

Sat, 30 Oct 2010 00:00:00 -0700

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) — In an extraordinary edition of "The Daily Show" guaranteed to dominate the headlines for days, the most powerful man in America met last night with Barack Obama.

While the most powerful man's decision to set aside 30 minutes for a sitting president carried with it risks for both men, each could lay claim to some measure of victory the morn ...

Updated: Sat Oct 30, 2010

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