Andy Borowitz from Creators Syndicate

Attempting to Destroy CIA Tapes, Cheney Burns Down White House for 12/29/2007

Sat, 29 Dec 2007 00:00:00 -0800

The White House, one of the most historic structures in the nation's capital, burnt to the ground today after Vice President Dick Cheney attempted to incinerate a cache of CIA interrogation tapes in his office.

According to White House aides, the blaze started shortly after noon, minutes after Cheney slipped out of a cabinet meeting saying that he had to "hit the head."

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Updated: Sat Dec 29, 2007

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Hillary Repackages Herself as a Black Man for 01/05/2008

Sat, 05 Jan 2008 00:00:00 -0800

In what some party insiders are calling a Hail Mary bid to win Tuesday's New Hampshire primary, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton today attempted to repackage herself as a black man.

In the wake of her disappointing third-place finish in the Iowa caucuses, there was consensus among Clinton's campaign aides that her presidential bid needed to be rebooted, but few party pro ...

Updated: Sat Jan 05, 2008

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Next Year's News for 01/12/2008

Sat, 12 Jan 2008 00:00:00 -0800

January: After paying five billion dollars for The Wall Street Journal, Rupert Murdoch will reduce the size of the paper by removing the facts.

February: Responding to the controversy over the CIA's waterboarding videotapes, President Bush will reaffirm his administration's opposition to videotaping.

March: As the writers' strike drags on, Paramount will produce the second "T ...

Updated: Sat Jan 12, 2008

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Bloomberg Still Deciding Whether to Buy the Presidency: for 01/19/2008

Sat, 19 Jan 2008 00:00:00 -0800

New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg is "still trying to decide" whether to buy the U.S. presidency, aides to Bloomberg confirmed today, with the sticking point reportedly being the steep price of such an acquisition.

In recent weeks, Bloomberg had been sending out positive signals about his interest in buying the highest office in the land, raising hopes among supporters that he might be prep ...

Updated: Sat Jan 19, 2008

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Gay Tiger Attacks Huckabee: Animal 'Taunted' By Bestiality Remarks for 01/26/2008

Sat, 26 Jan 2008 00:00:00 -0800

After making remarks in which he directly equated homosexuality with bestiality, former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee was attacked at the San Francisco Zoo by a gay tiger.

Huckabee had scheduled a campaign stop at the zoo where he made his controversial remarks about homosexuality and bestiality, not realizing that he was standing within earshot of a Bengal tiger with a homosexual life ...

Updated: Sat Jan 26, 2008

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Hillary Sends Bill on Campaign Trip to Antarctica: Will Remain There Until Convention, Aides Confirm for 02/02/2008

Sat, 02 Feb 2008 00:00:00 -0800

Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton has sent her husband, former president Bill Clinton, on a "special campaign trip" to Antarctica that could last "six or seven months," Clinton aides confirmed today.

"From here on in, Bill is going to be our man in Antarctica," said top Clinton strategist Mark Penn. "We have sent him down there with eno ...

Updated: Sat Feb 02, 2008

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Facebook to Co-Sponsor War on Terror: Popular Networking Site Takes Aim at Jihad for 02/09/2008

Sat, 09 Feb 2008 00:00:00 -0800

After successfully sponsoring several of the presidential debates, Facebook is spreading its wings once more, announcing today that it would become the official co-sponsor of the United States' war on terror.

In snagging the coveted anti-terrorism sponsorship, the popular networking site beat out two of its rivals, MySpace and YouTube, who had also vied to co-sponsor the global struggle ...

Updated: Sat Feb 09, 2008

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Obama Wins Country Music Entertainer of the Year for 02/16/2008

Sat, 16 Feb 2008 00:00:00 -0800

Coming off a weekend in which he racked up victories in Nebraska, Washington, Louisiana, the Virgin Islands and Maine, Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) extended his amazing winning streak today by being named the Country Music Association's Entertainer of the Year.

For Mr. Obama, who is not a country music entertainer, the award represents a significant upset since it had been expected to go t ...

Updated: Sat Feb 16, 2008

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Roger Clemens Named New White House Spokesperson for 02/23/2008

Sat, 23 Feb 2008 00:00:00 -0800

Now pitching for the White House … Roger Clemens.

That was the word out of Washington today as President George W. Bush introduced the embattled pitcher to the White House press corps as his new official spokesperson.

In a joint appearance, Mr. Bush said he decided to tap Mr. Clemens after seeing him testify in congressional hearings last week. "I was blown away by Roger,&quo ...

Updated: Sat Feb 23, 2008

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Nader Announces Plan to Wreck Election for 03/01/2008

Sat, 01 Mar 2008 00:00:00 -0800

Appearing on NBC's "Meet the Press" today, consumer activist Ralph Nader told host Tim Russert that he has officially decided to wreck the 2008 presidential election.

Mr. Nader had been huddling with prominent crackpots over the weekend to determine whether he had enough support among his natural constituency of self-absorbed whack jobs to mount an entirely meaningless campaign ...

Updated: Sat Mar 01, 2008

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Bush Says He Lets Red Phone Go Straight to Voicemail for 03/08/2008

Sat, 08 Mar 2008 00:00:00 -0800

President George W. Bush commented on Sen. Hillary Clinton's controversial "red phone" campaign ads at the White House today, telling reporters, "When that red phone rings, I just let it go straight to voicemail."

President Bush rarely comments about the Democratic presidential contest, but he said that he had to speak up about Clinton's red phone ads because he found ...

Updated: Sat Mar 08, 2008

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Calling Hillary a Monster "Offensive," Monsters Say for 03/15/2008

Sat, 15 Mar 2008 00:00:00 -0700

An Obama campaign aide's remarks in which she called Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) a "monster" have ignited a firestorm of controversy among monsters across the U.S., prominent monsters confirmed today.

Calling Hillary Clinton a monster is "odious and offensive to monsters everywhere," said Tracy Klujian, the executive director of the Monster Anti-Defamation League, a ...

Updated: Sat Mar 15, 2008

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Bush Reveals Tap Water as Prescription-Drug Plan for 03/22/2008

Sat, 22 Mar 2008 00:00:00 -0700

On a day when millions Americans were reeling from the news that there were trace amounts of prescription drugs in their drinking water, President George W. Bush made a stunning announcement at the White House.

"I am responsible for this," Mr. Bush told reporters. "This is my idea of a prescription-drug plan."

Standing before a banner reading "Prescription ...

Updated: Sat Mar 22, 2008

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Bush to Phase Out Environment by 2009 for 03/29/2008

Sat, 29 Mar 2008 00:00:00 -0700

President George W. Bush confirmed today that his gutting of the Endangered Species Act is part of a broader plan to phase out the environment entirely by the time he leaves office in January 2009.

"In addition to cutting taxes, it has been the goal of this administration to cut our wasteful, bloated environment," Mr. Bush said in a speech before the Association of Indiscrimina ...

Updated: Sat Mar 29, 2008

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Hillary Says 8-Year-Old Bosnian Girl Was Actually Sniper for 04/05/2008

Sat, 05 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Accused in recent days of embellishing her story of a brush with sniper fire in Bosnia, Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Hillary Clinton said today "don't be fooled" by photos showing her being greeted at the airport by a pony-tailed 8-year-old Bosnian girl with a bouquet of flowers.

"That was no little girl," Clinton told reporters in Gary, Ind. "That was ...

Updated: Sat Apr 05, 2008

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Market Tumbles on News That Bush Is Still President: White House Appearance "A Painful Reminder," Experts Say for 04/12/2008

Sat, 12 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0700

President George W. Bush used a Rose Garden appearance today to reassure investors that he was at the helm of the U.S. economy, causing stock markets to plummet around the world.

"You don't have to worry about this economy because I am in charge of it," said Mr. Bush, touching off what some observers were calling a global financial panic.

Mr. Bush began his remarks about ...

Updated: Sat Apr 12, 2008

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China Moves Olympics to Undisclosed Location for 04/19/2008

Sat, 19 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Fearful about the prospect of human-rights protesters ruining the 2008 Olympics in Beijing, China today announced a plan to move the summer games to a remote location where no one can find them.

A spokesman for the Chinese ministry of sport, Wu Qingxiu, said that the plan to move the Olympics to an undisclosed location has "advanced from the planning stage into the doing stage." ...

Updated: Sat Apr 19, 2008

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Democratic Race "Too Mean," Say Swift Boat Veterans for 04/26/2008

Sat, 26 Apr 2008 00:00:00 -0700

The Democratic race for president has descended to "a level of meanness and acrimony that is damaging to American politics," the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth said today.

The Swift Boat group, which became famous in 2004 for attacking Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry, said that they were speaking out because "the current Democratic contest is giving swift boating ...

Updated: Sat Apr 26, 2008

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Rev. Wright Launches Own 24-Hr. Channel; All Wright, All the Time, Preacher Promises for 05/03/2008

Sat, 03 May 2008 00:00:00 -0700

Pronouncing himself "thrilled" with his recent spate of media appearances, the Rev. Jeremiah Wright announced today that he will launch his own 24-hour channel that will feature nothing but himself all day long.

Coming off his appearance with PBS's Bill Moyers and his televised speeches before the NAACP and the National Press Club, the preacher said that "one thing is abun ...

Updated: Sat May 03, 2008

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BY ANDY BOROWITZ for 05/10/2008

Sat, 10 May 2008 00:00:00 -0700

McCain: Sunnis, Shiites "Trying to Confuse Me"

"Could Take 100 Years to Tell Them Apart," Mac Says

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Updated: Sat May 10, 2008

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